Right now, my 3 year old is most likely to wake me. 6:30 am would be the latest if I was lucky. He walks into our bedroom and starts chattering and I shhhhhhhhhhhhh-ush him and try to snuggle with him and somtimes he will and sometimes he wont. I become obsessed that he not wake the 1 1/2 year old, who is truly wild, and I will do almost anything to try not to be awake for just one more minute. I will turn on TV, I will say OK to wierd food requests (popsicle, cheese slice, olives) just to sleep a teeny teeny bit more. I am ashamed of this being our morning routine and I do want to change. but goddamn I am tired. Ok. Read on.
Lets start getting into some very current issues in my life; those surrounding time management and taking good care of ME, and making balanced choices, and seeing how that all trickles down to my children and my husband. I'm referring to the EXTREME difficulty that I am having in the mere THINKING ABOUT getting up early, before the baby and kids, and doing quiet personal stuff in the wee hours of the morning.
OWWWWWW that is so scary to think about! But why? Why does the mere thought of that cause me to pull the covers up over my head, to shudder and roll my eyes and feel so twisted and confused? Why don't I give it a try sometime? Its not like being a little tired would be anything new.
All I have for you now are a few brainstorm-y theories on why I refuse to try this as of yet: Maybe the mere typing of them will help me to have an epiphany. Ok here goes.
Maybe it is because for over ten years, I have been the Mama of Little Ones. Stuck forever in the mindset that each morsel of sleep is more precious than gold/diamonds/rubies, I am having difficulty believing it would worth even one try to trade sleep for cleansing or reading or blogging or exercise (LOL HAHAHAHA ok that last part was silly, the part about exercise)
Maybe it is because I am convinced that my 5 am tiptoeing would wake someone up, and then I would have inadvertantly RIPPED MYSELF OFF! the horror is too much to bear. Seriously.
Maybe it is because I am trying too many new lifestyle improvements right now and I am afraid I will burn out and crash and everything I have worked for this summer will be destroyed. (Sounds dramatic, but I really do think stuff like that!)
Maybe it is because I know that I would love it and can already feel how annoying I will be when I start preaching the Good Word of Early Rising. Blech.
Maybe thats it. I know it will be so good for me and I am afraid.
I am big on stuff like New Years Day is a new start and maybe I will have to set a date when I will get up by myself and do tiptoey coffee and have an outfit and a smile for my children. I really really really want to be this gloriously adult sunshine woman. But it is so, so hard when I JUST LAST WEEK got my baby to sleep through the night. We co-slept for 10 months, me and Charlie but then I got sick of pretending being stepped on and smacked and bitten and having my hair pulled and my nose picked was "sleep" and we moved the little night warrior to a crib. He slept really well in there for months, until we all had severe colds this spring, in which we returned to co sleeping, hourly nursing, and all sorts of jabberwocky. He is back in his crib now, and I am getting full nights sleeps for the first time since February, and really, since 2002, before Casey was concieved.
I leave you with a little poem:
Pillow o pillow
Why do you feel so good
Why do you trick me
like a sweet magnet
or a vice grip
Pillow o pillow
Why must you taunt me
why must you beckon me
like a needy siren
or a muse
I am torn between wanting 2 kinds of advice: the kind that says "Mama, there will plenty of time to get up at 5 when you are an old lady. Mamaland is a timeless whirlpool of shapeshifting and love. Go easy on yourself, and just let it all flow. Listen to your body."
I hate listen to your body, It seems like a slap in the face to someone who doesnt always have the luxury to even use the toilet when she needs to.
"You can do it! Take control of your days and your family will thank you! Give yourself the gift of solitude and peace will spread throughout your home. The smell of warm oat muffins will tickle their noses, and the sight of Mama in her shoes and clean clothing will warm their hearts."
See? I get all sarcastic.
I just dont know yet.