My beautiful mom passed away Tuesday night after nearly a 9 year battle with ovarian cancer. She was 59. I was there with her when she died. She suffered for so long with tumors and surgeries and chemos and I know for sure now that she is no longer suffering. I do not have anything eloquent to say yet, but thank you to everyone who has offered us help, it means so much.

Rest in peace, truly, Mom.

tiny update

We got Casey into community mental health last week and they said "cut and dried, ADHD." I was relieved and feel hopeful about medication, which they feel could help him "dramatically, witthin hours". But we don't get to see "the doctor" until AUGUST 12TH!!! grrrr. Long summer of him breaking everything and exhausting all of us.

My beautiful mom is not long for this world...spending every possible moment at her hospital. Her husband made the wise decision (he had no choice, she tried to get up every 5 minutes, 'round the clock, couldn't take meds any more, and basically lost her mind...he didnt sleep for weeks...) to bring her to a respite care place late last week, where they are doing everything they can to help her transition be comfortable. Shudder.

Never ever imagined having to literally watch her die. It is harrowingly sad and disturbing and traumatizing. Going back tonight. Jumping at every phone call. Wanting her to just finally be at peace but dreading IT with all my might. No appetite, in a fog.

Free Range

Thanks to a link via Facebook from Pamamidwife, I found this blog. It is about letting kids ummmm live? Go outside? Not feel like they are going to get "stolen" everytime we run back into the house for our coffee we forgot?

What do y'all think? I think its great.

So much has transpired

So much has gone on in a week or so, I will attempt to share a bit of it with you. First on my mind and in the hearts of everyone is my mother, who in about ten days time has gone from coherent and weak to completely out of it, and a skeletal ghost. She speaks as though in a dream state and I will never again have a conversation with her. This has not sunken in at all and I have been by to care for her, to spell off my stepfather from his 24-7 devoted care, and to just pet and kiss her and chat to her, though she cant tell me anything that makes any sense at all, she doesnt seem frustrated, just like someone sleepwalking, sleep talking is the best way I can describe her now. Its just about the saddest thing I can describe, and I did not not expect this to go this way, if that makes any sense.

I got on an antidepressant, Zoloft, and I will certainly impress upon all depressed mothers to CONSIDER THIS if you can, if you need to--I will not buy into any shame or guilt, if "working out all your issues" is what you want to do for the next 50 years, by all means, go for it, but this helps, too, immensely, and does not need to replace any inner psychology stuff. Meditate, journal, pray, reflect, read, grow, think, see therapists, thats all good stuff, too. But I didnt have 50 years. And Im gonna tell, ya, it didnt take "six to eight weeks" it took about a day and a half to feel significantly better. I HATE SECRETS KEPT FROM MOTHERS! Its no one's f-ing business whats in your purse or your medicine cabinet so if you wanna get on some anti depressants, DO IT. I am deciding to NOT be secretive about it, because, I love you-all and well, frankly, it is just too obvious the way I was writing and they way I am writing that something changed. So, get some help if you need to.

So, How does it make me feel? Like I am NOT buzzing with helpless rage, like I am NOT confused and overwhelmed, like my skin is NOT electrified with nervous tension, like my toddler spilling a cheerio is NOT a big deal or a day ruin-er. I feel more comfortable, more at ease, well rested, intelligent, clear minded, rational, and able to do the things that need to be done. Not all fake ahppy, just stable. Functional; I have done some work with our "budget", I have made an appointment for Casey to see a counselor, I have contacted our utility companies, I have cleaned and taken care of the home----did you all know I was not able to do any of this for some time now, mostly just crying and shaking and obsessing about my "bad and ruined" children?
So, Zoloft. And I also got 2 different anxiety pills to be taken as needed. They havent been needed more than 2 or 3 times and I probably wont need them. One is Xanax--the big famous xanax, I thought it would turn me into some 1950's sedative Mom but it didnt. I felt a little tired, but not sleepy. The other one is Klonopin. This one is a doozy, but before I got on the zoloft, I was wringing my hands and gasping for breath walking back and forth in my kitchen--so if anything like that happens again I would take this. But it puts you to sleep. Take at night if you are really freaking out AND you have a husband who would be "on call".

We are still up in the air about Casey and school/daycare. The little daycare up the street (the one thats so nice and the lady cooks the kids organic meals and encourages you to drop in anytime and the "Tumble-Bus" comes once a week...) is twenty bucks a day. Twenty! Less than a babysitter. So we dont have any money but yet......maybe for July, even, you know? They want a health check and shot records and that alone would have sent me into a self pitying panic attack but now (that I am on Zoloft) I feel like hey, ok, Ill call the pediatrician in the morning.

I have to stop right now and give a huge thank you and mention of the generosity that our friends near and far have bestowed upon us this past week or so, as well. Babysitting, long hours on the phone, kind sympathies, food and diapers, and surprise gifts for the kids' birthdays which were extremely uncharacteristically uncelebrated this year-they ended up with some really kind surprises and cash that they are being quite frugal with--we will have some kind of little summer party at some point, but we just cant right now, and yet I know that each of them ended up not feeling like they didnt get anything special, so thank you everyone for advice and thoughtfulness and just being steadfast, etc : )

This weekend we got a new cat! The Humane Society has waived their adoption fees for adult cats for a little while and we found a sweet black kitty--I have always wanted a little black cat, everytime I see him I just smile, he is so pretty and shiny. We read up extensively on "how to introduce a cat to another cat" but in truth, it took less than an hour for our dear Sonic to accept him and they are good pals already. I am really glad we found such a nice one--although I really love cats, I am strangely picky about what kinds I dont find very cute--well this little guy is just adorable--we dont know what to name him yet. Soon!

We still have a long, long way to go in our child training. We have some very very bad habits that have been going on for a while now, and I have allowed myself to be emotionally manipulated, to put it mildly, by screeching little boys, by ridiculous hijynx not only at mealtime but bedtime, cartime, schooltime.....yes.

We have a long way to go. But I do feel stronger and happy in my decision to get some medication. I dont know if I will be blogging or not for a bit. My heart is with my mom, and on putting my family back together through these strange times of economic hardship and change. Love and peace and clarity to everyone--
be safe--
Joy

pop on pop off

As an actual mother who has actually breastfed "exclusively" and "on demand" five babies for many many years, I have not ever thankfully put much stock into anything written on the subject by professionals, and by that I mean anyone who is not a mama with a baby on her breast.

As my friend Trish once said "Schedule? Yeah, she comes up for air every four hours!" I liked that one.

Perhaps as in so many mysterious things about motherhood that "they" dont tell us...like what does labor feel like and how much do you nurse a newborn, it is kept under wraps for our own good. So we dont get scared and say hey ya know what, I was gonna have a baby but I think Ill just join a ska band instead. But of course, like all secrets and lies, they end up hurting the intended protectee exponentially, because now she feels weird, which is alienating, which is depressing, which is uncool.

So, how many times a day do you "feed your baby"? Good old Hathor has a nice little comic about it. Here it is. As for me, Eska has had a sip or two probably 12 times already this morning, but then decided that the squirrely out the window or the cheerio stuck to my shirt or her brothers shouts were more interesting and *POP* off she went a-scrambling. Did those constitute as "feeds"? Who cares?

Charlotte Mason dreams

I have really stumbled onto some great stuff today, huh?

Heres another gem: a blog devoted to using Ann Botsford Comstock's Handbook of Nature Study. We have had this book for 7 years but as much as its turn of the century wording warms my heart, have we used it? Not really. Well some thoughtful soul has put together some lesson plans using it.

Technology is officially so so good to me today.

Blog, She Wrote

Blog, She Wrote. Its a blog that has me all choked up because she is doing everything I was getting ready to do until I got pregnant with missy-moo.

Bless you, cool science Mama who uses Five In A Row (FIAR)

I am feeling the slightest tingle of hope and inspiration for fall. Cant wait to delve in! She did ALOT of the work for me. Soooo cool!

boysie stuff

Very interesting thread on MDC about Boys and homeschooling...really made me smile. My boys each had two baths today, it was a filthy good day, and all after 5 pm! Two parks and a big walk--and a new toad found by Casey as a present to Greta! He was so pleased to give it to her and she loves it.

Of course there are wild n wiggly girls and calm and bookish boys. Duh.

u.p. homeschooler advocate

A well put blurb from someone up in Munising:

As for homeschooled children: I happen to know many parents who have homeschooled their children. What I have seen is children who are homeschooled often have a greater knowledge base when it comes to history, geography, the law, classical literature and music, actual useable mathematics and algebra and geometry. They seem to be more in control of their emotions as well and most have not been exposed to "trash". By "trash", I am not talking about people, I am talking about ideas and concepts which are imparted through the schools either by other kids (some of who may be troubled) or by teachers and the system itself. These homeschooled kids are not "indoctrinated" by any "right-wing radicals" or other such nonesense. Most of the homeschooled kids I know have gone on to major universities and become doctors, lawyers and just about anything anyone could wish to become. They are not fruitloops or lunatics who cannot think for themselves, unlike some of the publicly schooled kids who are simply "followers" of any given crowd. Many colleges and universities SEEK OUT homeschooled children because these children test high, are well disciplined and are self-disciplined when it comes to studying.
Are there some parents who do a poor job of homeschooling? I'm sure there are. But I would rather have one parent teaching poorly one or two of their children than one teacher teaching poorly hundreds of students.
I just wish I had made the decision to homeschool my children....and from what they've told me, they wish the same.

Diginity? Why, indeed

This is an intensely gorgeous photo montage (very discreet nothing rated even pg) of a lovingly supported homebirth.

What I want people to think about is, truly, how different this is from the hospital. the birthcenter. Anyone of those. How truly, truly, qualitatively different. and HELL Y_E_S, BETTER.

Better better better. So all of you who have grown wishy washy about homebirth, grown jaded or tired or lost some of your fire or passion for this, for women, for families, shut up and think for one moment how very very different this is from the other ways.

Thank you.

brainstorm

I think I should brainstorm how I want our homeschool to be. And I think I should do it on this blog. Because the thought process might strike a chord with others, might show people with one or two kids how different it is with five, might cause someone with 9 kids to tell me no no no, might be something to look back upon.

Alot of my dreams and ideas are all tangled up in nostalgia, and that has been a very pervasive and persistently life-draining emotion for me for literally the last 5 years. And I am trying to slowly pick through what is nostalgia for something actually experienced and what is nostalgia for just being in my twenties and having it all be still an open wide field of dreams. Painful, painful nostalgia and regret and guilt....blech such a wierd depressive type I am. Why cant I be the loss of appetite stay up all night writing cool songs type? ; ) kidding.

We have quite alot of things coming up, and it all feels like a big hill that we are climbing whether we want to or not: My mother is rapidly dying now, and with this impending loss will be a flurry of activity and I have no experience with such things, blessed has been my life devoid of any deaths whatsoever. My grandmother is also very ill and in hospital and is going to be most likely going into some kind of nursing home out of state to be under the care of my aunt--so coming to grips with the real fact that no, I am not driving up to see her "any weekend now" is hurting my throat like a stone clamp.

After these events, there will be the question of money. Will be be able to afford some part time day care babysitting preschool for the littler boys? Math tutor? Music lessons? Sports? Swimming? Ice skating? Curriculum of some kind, even just a few things? Some maps and atlases? Paint and brushes, a printer with ink, zoo passes, camping, bicycles? We are still hoping things turn around financially but I cant pretend to assume anything about inheritances. We job hunt. We scrimp. We hope our landlord is more patient than the electric company. We take
Casey to the medicaid psychologist and hope they help us all deal with the chaos.

But still I dream. I dream of the day when my children sit with me around the table and we do our lessons. Not all day everyday. But when I say so. I am a really really fun mom and I have so many wonderful ideas. Too bad lately just trying to vaguely vaguely make it through breakfast diaper change nursing re diaper change fighting spilling crying nursing can i make eggs myself mama whoopsie kid running out in mud fighting nursing be quiet for the baby goddamnit you woke her up im hungry again can i use a hammer wheres charlie diaper change choking phone calls spills fighting im hungry again no we arent having pop it is 930 am...........is just not cool.

i never ever meant for it to get this way but 99% of homeschool is relationship between the parent and child. So when that is out of whack then the little books sit on the shelf and just mock you.

So I will brainstorm. Thats all I can do for now.

diets

Ok one more:
This post about not dieting is great. Because even though I got into some anorexia stuff with counting calories and depriving myself and hating myself and all that in college, for the most part I have stayed away from those head games. My body disturbs me only when I am depressed. but really, I feel good. I feel medium. I feel totally ok. I feel like this has been my size for many many years, I havent yo-yo'd, There was a body I had before I got pregnant with baby #1 and there is this body. It was vaguly a toned size 14 to a smooshy size 18. But I am a busy woman with alot on my plate, and I eat well. I dont lay in bed with donuts, I dont sneak in the night to horf down ice creams, I really dont do any kind of crazy bingey stuff. But I like my head to be not floating off and so I like hearty meals, and I eat lots of vegetables, and lots of good homemade stuff and I eat about as much as Greta does--one big plate. So this is me, and there is not one iota of room in this Mama for added stress of self hate. Self love would be awesome, and its there, too, but mostly I am trying to run a family and thats enough work for me.

I dont begrudge my friends who diet, who have had surgeries, who yo-yo. I totally understand. But for me, right now, it would be the absolute ticket to the looney bin if I was adding self hate kinds of stuff to the pile.

Women of size

Oooh a new blog! I needed this one! It is a wonderful blog about plus size women and the issues they face in the maternity system, as well as all kinds of positive stuff, too. Please check it out, especially her waterbirth labeled posts. The Well Rounded Mama. And thank you Pamela for the original link. Lots of good reading ahead...

From one "obese" Mama who had an hbac, and for whom laboring in water helped a great deal...kudos!

cool

Well today I just got one little step closer to getting some help for Casey! I went through the community mental health 45 minute intake interview and she said that yes absolutely he qualifies for assistance and he has an appointment next week with someone!

When Casey is in treatment and hopefully the rest of us can all be counseled, will be a victory for me against all the folks who dismissed our concerns about this child and the beginning of the new way of working positively with him as a family unit! We love you Casey, more than you will ever know....I have a feeling we will look back on these early years with laughter someday. I cannot wait for you to feel things normally and to be able to interact with your environment in a safe and sane way. Your going to go far, my little sweetheart! If you need medication, then so be it. If you just need some new techiques, we will try them all!

They got weird with me when I said I needed help for postpartum depression so I called back and said I have (regular old) depression and now I get to have an intake interview too. Just waiting for the phone call.
Phew.

Cool conversation with male friend link

Jill rocks! This is such a cool post! I want to enlighten people who are really interested and curious like this! Great one, Mama!

Happy 9th Birthday Mickey!!!!

We love you so much, sweet funny Mickey! You are our firstborn son and a ray of sunshine. Yes, the carrots turned your eyes golden, and your little heart, too! Hope you have a wonderful day!

Humor. Who am I without humor? Humor is how I show people I am "ok", how I make people feel at ease, how folks end up coming to me at parks and places, who am I now without my humor?

Children. I have surronded myself with them, devoted my life to them, worked with them and for them and studied them and followed them. who am I now that my children are unrecognizably poorly behaved? who am I now that I am no longer fun or curious, and every morsel and item in my home and practically everywhere else just breaks my heart with this regretful nostalgia?

Creativity and the arts. Who am I now that there isnt one single moment in the day to do anything besdies weep and weep as I stare in horror at my 2 little boys and the things they do. When do I paint play guitar cut hair draw pictures write stories. Never is when.

Hope. Who am I now without my boundless optimism? All my ideas are coming up against obstacles and I cant get even an afternoon to make all these #$%#$% phone calls to community mental health and schols and daycares and food stamps and shut off notices.

Money. How does anyone live without money. We might have to live in our church bus. But how?

Death. My mom is dying and I am spending the day with her Sunday. I dont even know if she will remember it. Oh wait. That doesnt even make any sense. I find myself thinking about how people afford funeral clothes for 7 people. Shes all dehydrated and her hospice nurse told me she cant give her an IV of glucose cause her body doesnt want food or drink anymore. But my mom says she is thirsty and hungry and its all i can do to not lose my mind with empathy as she lays there on her couch and i think of the hospitals and their crazy lack of humanity towards me when i needed just a few comfort items and was denied them...and when i just could have used one person at my bedside to advocate for me but he had to be home with the other kids cause my big baby shower sign up list didnt really guarantee me anything besides false hope.

Im bringing my mom popsicles and good music.

six eleven

Happy Birthday, Eska-Angel!

Doing this project (blogger photo uploading is theraputically slow, eh!) destoyed by ability to even feel remotely depressed tonight. Incredible year, incredible baby, isnt photography one of the most amazing inventions ever?

Love all 'round...

Joy