Sunday, May 30, 2010

It was scary and cool, while it lasted.

I was suppossed to get my period on Wednesday. (I got my tubes tied when I had Eska). But it didnt come. It was just like when I was pregnant, pms came and built up and then kind of evaporated. All that was left was fatigue and sore boobs. no more cramps, no more bitchy/edgy. I began joking with Steve that I was expecting. "Twin boys with ADHD!" was my sense of high humor. He looked pale and pretended to laugh.

But, I got to feel like a woman, as I have experienced it to be for all these years. A woman who has lots of sex and then waits for the end of the month to mean one of two things. Two verrry different things. Either I will bleed and feel yucky for a few days, OR....and the or, for me, goes exactly like this, in this order:
Will I have a homebirth?
Could I find a midwife who would support and love me and help me have a VBAC, or more specifically, an HBA3C?
How will we afford her?
Will I get gestational diabetes?
Will I exercise this time and not become a 250 pound huge fat whale of misery and handicap?
How will we afford six kids?
Will people finally be happy for us, since really, with my tubes tied and all, this baby would be considered to be a magic miracle?
With my mom and grandma dead, there is only my in laws to be mean to us this time, would that affect my experience?
Will I have a girl, and my Brady Bunch of 3 boys 3 girls?
What names do we have left over? Posy Annika?
Would my new friends be the ones who finally help us out after the birth?
Will we actually save the money this time for a post partum doula?
Will I have a miscarriage, and would I be devastated?
Would there be whispers of abortion, since after a tubal, the assumption would be that this baby couldnt have been more "unwanted"?
Since I am 35 now, would the baby have a birth defect? Would I get a triple screen test? What would I do with the results?
Would my new high protien low carb diet help me, or would it fly out the window at the first pang of nausea?
Can I sue the doctor for the botched tubal? Did I sign anything before this surgery, and why can't I remember signing anything or being given anything whatsoever ie paperwork or a pamphlet about "your tubal ligation"?
Did my tubal "cause" some of my postpartum depression and pain?
Will Steve be all mad and wierd, and can I deal with that?
Why am I excited to be pregnant, and am I mentally ill or just n-o-r-m-a-l?
Who is gonna sleep where, and when would my due date be, and could I deal with a Pieces child? (yes I love pieces, and I love Aquarians and Aries too, so feb/march/april are all covered, phew!)

This is just the tip of the iceberg, truly. And I bet this giant snowball of thought is all par for the course, every month, for every woman who is fertile, or even pretending to be.

but I am not fertile and I know that. I got my period this morning.