Monday, June 30, 2008


I went out yesterday! We all went out! to a party! it was sooooooo wonderful. I didnt even think I could make it, I was so sore and "depressed" just trying to find an outfit, etc, but the instant we got there, it was just wonderous. Glorious weather, fun fun party, great food, treats, fun, kids....i havent been out not even once since my carride home from the hospital, nor have I even begged to, picturing how STUPID it would be to get us all in the one door minivan....but it all worked out and I had a serious blast.

My spirits remained lifted this entire day, and my attempts to wean myself off of painkillers havent been too horrible, either. I had one Vicodin in 22 hours. I am proud of myself, and am ever grateful for the party and for everything, really. I feel like it is not premature to announce right here and now that I am having perfectly acceptable and non-alarming mood issues that I do not feel worried about myself. Baby doll is only 2 1/2 weeks old....

Saturday, June 28, 2008

im ok

ok, it is a few hours later and i do feel aLOT better. shower, outfit, etc.

I would like to state the obvious here and say that if someone is here taking care of the other kids, and i am all clean and wrapped up snug on the couch with a big drink and food and the baby, I am doing quite well. but when I am alone here with all of them, I am a mess and cant really seem to take care of anyone well, and there is a whole lot of filth and pop tarts going on. It sucks and is depressing, quickly.

Dear baby is NOT gassy, really, but when she gets sip sip sip of nursey and then i have to go running across the house for various bad behaviors by the kids she gets stressed. duh.

i guess right now is suppossed to be psychedelic, but i wish it were a better trip, so to speak. I am trying to enjoy stuff and i do, but man o man i wish the fairy would come and take the darlings to the park or something so i can hurry up and feel better. I am pissed off at how not better i am so far, whether that is the healin' spirit, i really cant be more honest than to say i feel pissed off. I have a MASSIVE headache, along with incision pain and general weakness. I feel like i have the flu, and got into a sword fight in my belly and a medium car crash. Sucky!

Cant wait to get stronger, i have such wonderful plans of how it will be....
new pics of angel baby tomorrow, Daddy had to get more batteries for the camera

thumbs down

found myself alone alone alone upon the raging sea...

lots of Cure lyrics coming to mind this week, my first week without Steve---turned out to be my first week alone, too--my mom came over Tuesday which was wonderful!!!!but besides that, just one me and one screaming nursey/gassy baby two brutally naughty little boys and two big kids who kind of help but mostly seem to instigate all kinds of insanity with the little brothers.

i am filthy and distraught. looking forward to a shower when steve gets home today. i am so gross it is like those old cartoons where the flowers all wilt when i walk by. pepe le pew.

i would say 90% of my day i am walking around holding bitty baby as she nurses on the left boob way too much so i can have my right hand free to run and fetch and intercept all the HORRIBLE things the kids are doing. floods. breaking. biting. hitting. spitting. spilling on purpose. so so so bad. crying and screaming and fighting, running out the front door, lying, sneaking, hobble hobble here comes pepe le pew and her one boob out, bleeding bleeding bleeding to death to come yell at you! eat a pop tart! what do you mean they are gone???? what do you mean they are all wet in the bathroom???

hopefully this was the suckiest week so far. these kids are in for a big f'ing surprise when i am all healed up.

we are all going as a family on my first outing tomorrow, a huge outdoor Bat Mitzvah and I am very excited. Hopefully it will be a new start for me!

Thursday, June 19, 2008


Today I feel like I have turned a corner. I feel like I can envision being a person again, someday soon. It has been a long, long time since I wasnt bedridden, pain filled, almost useless, despairing, quite horrified. Today I feel like I am a person in a house in a neighborhood who watches current tv shows and wears socks and drinks cola and gets the phone herself (well, once)

Yesterday was bad. Steve working so hard, trying to keep the kids away so I could "rest", leaving me alone to hobble around and try to piece together some wierd sandwhich, alone alone cant fall asleep keep having nightmares, very unusual for me, sound like an ingrate--I hate to even type this, he has been so good, too good, working waaaaay too hard, on the verge of spazzing, cleaning, rushing, Casey! Charlie! No! No! No! Jesus what are you guys doing?! Just a second! Just a second! No! No! No hitting! Ohmygodyouguys NO!NO SPRINKLER! NO BITING! NO COOL WHIP! NO NO NO Touching poo-poo!.......While I practice lying on my side just a little but it hurts so bad, (is Steve ok??, man the little boys are being bad for him) to nurse the little cub-let--she is so tiny she isnt even a cub, really, just a tiny tiny little pink snoofing and sniffling cublet, a little girl-cublet, teensy little birdlegs I hate to even change her teensy diaper, she is just so itty bitty, why is this baby striking me as so incredibly small and delicate, Steve feels it, too--she has an aura of pre-newborn, maybe because she was brought inot this world quite a bit earlier than the last few babies, she is so sleepy and so smooshy floppy snuggly, round and fuzzy--all 4 other kids had these huge square heads-- that might sound mean, they were gorgeous babies but just so hefty and strong with these enormous heads and linebacker wide bodies...little Eska is just an apricot of an angel, a little sparrow-doll, so dolly is her little face, she stares at me and I just laugh/cry/gasp/smile why is this little face set just this way in this peachfuzz moonbaby, how can she make such a round little look in the dark, heaven hold on if she is disconnected from her teat, lemme tell ya and I couldnt be happier--at this stage in my life, this thirty three feeling like three hundred thirty three, there is no richer gift than to imagine her being WAYTOOATTACHED, oh how I used to fret and fuss when the grandmas and the old folks would stress me about my babies and how inappropriate it was for them to be so firmly attached to I said, she gets it already, that I am her Mama and that I am good and that we were together forever and she popped out and we are still together, what else is there for this poppyseed, truly what else is there for something so helpless and so ridiculously hopeful and small besides to latch on to her fat milky and to kind of freak out when that latch is broken? Shes a smart cookie, my itty bitty.

anyhow, today is cool. I camped on the couch instead of the bed for a little while, took a shower, drank some Coke. Screw you, diabetes, I have given up dairy already so apricotmoonbaby doesnt get gas, but I am very happy to have delicious beverages back in my life, and Daddy brought home s-o-d-a-p-o-p today and it tastes very great.

I didnt tell you all this, but I had a headcold going into this birth and it only got worse. Coughing and blowing my nose has SUCKED with my incision and all..yeah...but the dear doctor, the OB, honored my request for some amoxicillin--hope we dont get thrush, but dude this was a real-deal sinus infection like I havent had in years...and it is helping. Slowly. but you know what worried me? I am not super hungry or thirsty, which were just the absolute hallmarks of early postpartum for me, always. It isnt cute, it isnt "weight loss", it is scary. I dont think it is right. I have been forcing myself to eat a little bit of food and to drink, even if it was some coke. I looked up a little online about the painkillers I am on, and I still keep trying (sometimes on accident like last night going from 10 pm to 8 am without taking anything SUCKED owwwwwwww uncool) to test if I can wean down yet, but no.

Now I know alot of new moms lament about their bodies etc and this is not that at all--I feel so small, so gentle, so fragile I am at that point where I think I am a skeleton. I just marvel at my feet, so bony and long, my hands, so mobile and thin, my little legs and arms---I was a goddamn HINDENBURG, I was just absolutely swelling up like that blueberry girl, my actual ass is smaller now, how can that be???---basically my entire body is deflated and soft and pale and weak. I feel like I was this ginat red balloon, pufffffff pufffff pufffff growing by the hour, and now I am this liquidy smoosh girl with sore sore bones underneath. I think thte last 4 months my "posture" was just my belly holding me up, because I have not one back muscle, not one. Camping out on the couch showed me that today.

I wonder how much of this is c-section stuff and how much is just tired old mama stuff? I know walking the way I have to for my incision is straining to my body, but I just feel so weak and mushy. I have no idea what will be the best way to come back from this whole thing, this pregnancy and delivery, but I know it will be a slow slow one this time. Its ok. I am sure when I am ready, that walking will be a good one, but I might really want to learn about some upper back exercises.

This blog, as i become more sleep deprived, will most certainly begin to take on the surreal rambling air of the semi-dreaming. I hope it makes sense, but maybe it doesnt and it will be cool to look back and read next year...

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Story of a name...

When Greta was about one, and I started thinking about more babies, I wanted another Scandinavian-type name but I wanted to invent one. I mulled over so many syllables and sounds in my head, I was fairly obsessed! Little did I know I wouldn't have another girl for 10 years, haha...Ella, Elka, Ilsa, Elsa......

I remember so clearly, I even remember where I was, (sitting in the car) when I came up with Iska and Eska. I loved the sounds of those words and remembered to remember them. Then once a while later there was a model in a magazine named Iske and I thought well, I have to use Eska now! ....

Each time I was pregnant, thinking it was a girl, I Googled the word Eska and nothing came up. Then one time Eskarina came up, i think when I was expecting Charlie, on a list of "beautiful breastfed babies" of all things! I thought that was even better than Eska, but alas, many sons and no daughters...

Now this pregnancy there is apparently some Eska stuff on the internet now--someone named Princess Eskarina from a novel, as well as a blogger named Eska from Europe who seems like a pretty cool girl. So, even though the dream that this was an actual invented name is gone, its cool to know of these other Eska's!

We loved Poppy as a middle name always, mostly for Poppy Z Brite (the author) as well as for a flower middle name and just an all 'round great name. Other contenders were Posey and Marigold but Poppy won out hands down among Steve and the kids.

So that's the story!

I am feeling well, laying in bed, so far all of my experiments with taking less pain killers have gone very badly, so to say I am glad Steve is home is a huge understatement.

My milk came in Saturday without much ado, but probably cuz I am on pills.

Baby is super sweet and snuggly and a precious little dolly-bean. More pics soon!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Baby Eska is here and she is soooo wonderful!

Well, I did it! I am way too tired to type and should totally be in bed but I am home and it all went really well and all I have the enegry for is some pics and some info. I promise to write the story soon soon soon but Jeez was I touched to see 34 comments on my c-section post! Thank you everyone!

Eskarina Poppy was born at 11:07 am on Wednesday, June 11
She weighed 9 lbs 7 ounces, a tiny little peanut for me-lol but pretty big for 39 weeks

21 1/2 inches long like all the other babies, blondish fuzzy head, super cute and sweet and snuggly and calm and man o man do I love her!!!!! We call her Eska, mostly, along with 55 other nicknames already like itty bitty rosebud and all kinds of obnoxious fun stuff : D

I got home last night, and only just now have ventured out of bed to try and sit at the computer chair and see what was up online....I am feeling pretty good, (pain pills help)...but mostly my husband being home is what this is all about--hip hip hooray for sanity!!!

My doctor was and is a gem and a saint and a good good man, the hospital was pretty ok as hospitals go, you know, a couple of the nurses are psycho-bitches and the vast majority are magical angels and I didnt let them starve me or anything like that : ) We had several pals and family members helping out at home so Steve got to be with me a good chunk of the hospital stay, and, well, I gotta go lay down again but heres some pics and THANK YOU to everyone for the incredible supportive comments! Sheesh! ....and CONGRATULATIONS TO MY DEAR KELLEY!!!!! and our same-day babies!!!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Like my title says, gather sound advice and trust my instincts. Here we go...

Tomorrow morning, at 8:30 am, me and my husband will be checking into the hospital and registering for my procedure. My procedure is a C-Section birth of our daughter. Followers of my blogs over the past 2 years might be sad, shocked, worried, turned off, disappointed, confused, disturbed, angry, horrified, dismissive, or worse, more, beyond. But there is no shortage of fairy-tale homebirths out there on the blogosphere and I am just a person telling my stories to a computer, same as them. Yeah, I get on soapboxes, and yeah I have beliefs--strong, heartfelt, passionate beliefs. About women and birth and the healthcare system and midwifery and history and feminism and power and medicine and nature and the human condition. But like so many parts of growing up, the ideals and ideas have to fall in where they can, when reality is here. Being in my 30's has been different than being in my 20's for one stark difference: I can be very much ABOUT a cause and yet able to deal with it when I cant be a part of it personally.

The reasons for the c-section are long and yet not really. I have been contemplating "explaining" it all to you for weeks now, but it sounded so defensive-- bordering on exaggerated, that I have never found the right words or made the time to do so. No evil doctor has chopped me in half, no one has threatened or coorced me, there is no sad tale to tell--so I almost didnt know how to tell it.

There will be many many of you who simply do not understand what it is like to have the issues that I have right now with my body and my mind and my life. That is to be expected. Again, agreeing with or even understanding what other people go through isn't always possible, in fact it can be really difficult. some of the things I am going to tell you might really touch nerves, might really roll eyes--and there isn't anything I can do about that. I cant tell you enough how much I do NOT need anyone to tell me "you go girl" or "we totally understand". In fact, the fear of appearing to pander for these kinds of comments have kept me off the computer lately. I overthink things, if you haven't noticed ; )

About a month ago, I was listening to Hypnobabies Cd's***. I was filled with a sense of deep annoyance and frustration at the soothing lady telling me to relax, let my uterus do the work, that my body was perfectly designed to birth my baby, that soon my precious baby would slip into my arms. I was growing from irritated to enraged and then very very sad. I thought about how many women for whom this was just not true and then I "let" myself acknowledge what it was that was truly troubling me, that I felt this was completely not for me. Not truths, not something I needed to do, not something that I needed to delude myself with, and recognizing and facing this "demon" needed to happen that very day. I turned it off.
I started to think about so much of the time and energy that I have poured into this stuff, the BIRTH STUFF in my lifetime. From the first time I got my hands on Our Bodies Ourselves to my own birth experiences, to the thousands of hours of research, films, tv shows, reading, writing, and I knew that something was quite bullshit about what was going on for me, and I was afraid of it, but it had to be dealt with, immediately. This was about 4 weeks ago, when I began to get incredibly honest with myself and how shitty hiding behind what I thought I was suppossed to do was making me feel.

That night, me and my husband had a "big talk". I had no agenda except needed a very very trusted and close sounding board--the one person who truly, truly knows-knows-knows me and what I am about and when I am serious and what life has been for me. We have been together since I was 16 and believe me, he has been there. So I said to him (no use beating around the bush, right?)

" I am not going to be able to have a VBAC. the entire thing is a fricking sham. We found a "cool" doctor willing to let us play out the fantasy that I gave it my all, but Steve, it isnt going to happen. I have never been more sure of anything in my life. this isnt stinkin-thinkin', this is reality. I have a separated pelvis and cannot move my legs apart more than a few inches. I have scar tissue that I can feel ripping and tearing every minute of the day. The baby is breecher-than-breech, her round little head is clearly visible in my sternum and her feet dance and stab my crotch and hip sockets constantly. I am not going to be allowed to be upright or freed from IV fluids or external fetal monitoring, so this means beddy bye on my back and this will mean epidural which will mean loss of the sense of what my pelvis can and should do and alot of fear about the nursing staff not forcing my legs apart. I can suffer permanent damage to my pelvis if this occurs, and have read about women who are in wheelchairs for months after their SPD lithotomy position births. I do not trust my body, I do not think BirthWorks. I think I am in for another exhausting upsetting disappointing sham of a huge huge baby not coming down again, and I have NO interest. I am going to tell all of this to the doctor and see what he says."

My husband completely understood and agreed. To have this NAUGHTY SECRET THOUGHT "out there" for discussion, without having anyone with any agenda to have to be burdened with, to just tell my thoughts to, was very very good.

We discussed what we pictured the differences would be between a planned cesarean and the other kind. We talked about how unprepared and devastating we were and it was the other two times; the 24 hours of exhausting labor, the scrambling and failing to obtain time off work for Steve, or childcare of any kind, the confusion, the questions, the exhaustion, the irony of having the pain of the abdominal incision AND the pain from hours of pushing in the form of hemorrhoids, bruising and swelling and minor tears from the nurses constant perineal fiddlings and urgings to push right down here, Mom, right down here (rub rub rub rub stretch stretch stretch rub rub rub rub invade invade invade...) We talked about how we imagined just showing up one fine morning and getting a c-section would be SO WEIRD like some goofy celebrity, and yet so so so much different. TO be clean and rested, at a decent hour, to have childcare all lined up and to have time off of work, to not be alone and in pain for a week with my devastation and nightmares but to be cared for and supported...this had the potential to be something very different than we had ever known before.

I saw the doctor that week and opened up the floodgates. I cried through my whole speech, bumbling and stammering and over explaining and, with boogers and tears literally all over my entire front, he came around from behind his desk, this man who was and is completely willing to support VBAC ladies, in his special and rare status in our state, and his trustworthy and kind Mister Rogers way, gave me a hug. After offering me the entire box of Kleenex, he hugged me and he talked to me. He told me that I was very brave and very mature and that I was, without a doubt, making the best decision for my situation. We took out a calender and looked at it together. He told me more than once that I could change my mind. He answered all my questions and when I told him over and over just how WEIRD it seemed, he was right there with me agreeing. It was a genuine moment and I felt at peace after the visit.

Over the past few weeks, my physical condition has only gotten worse. I am in such astonishing pain that it has become isolating, and I have actually stopped talking about it for the most part. My pains I have in my lower abdomen are now to the point that I no longer fear surgery whatsoever. I AM living with terrible hobbling pain, and taking care of the children and the house, too. My dislocated crotch and creaking ribs are just part of my life, now, as is almost no sleep and terrible, terrible mood swings. For the first time in my life, having a special birth experience is literally one of the lowest priorities ever to me. I NEED to have my baby, and I NEED this pregnancy to end.

I have joined the legions now, I suppose, of the just-be-glad-your-baby-is-here, and I am looking forward to it with a clear and peaceful heart. There are many, many causes that I support and believe in, many of which do not directly touch my personal life, and that does not affect my ability and determination to devote my time or energy or passion towards. Homebirth is now definitely one of them and I am OK with that. DO you have any causes that you support that might not pertain to you personally? Save the Whales? Stop Apartheid? Bio-Fuel?

I am having a baby tomorrow, and my husband has two weeks off of work. My mom, my sister, my mother in law, and my best friends are all pitching in enormously to share childcare responsibilities so that Steve can stay with me most of the time and that my recovery is a normal one. My gratitude for this gift of not having to worry about my children or about being abandoned in hospital will never end. This really was the only factor which made me ok with this, the knowledge that I would not be all alone in the hospital this time, fending off nurses and being left to die in unattended showers and in charge of a baby I cannot lift or feed or change....god the horrors of all that, I shudder. Never again is all I can think to say.

I am very excited to see the dear baby and to move forward with my motherhood. Thank you for reading and think of me tomorrow. I will have Steve post her name/weight/etc probably Thursday when he comes home to sleep.


***Hypnobabies is a fine product and my story is in no way against this type of thing. I appreciate all of the women it has helped and I hope that it helps many more women to come.