hello

Today I feel like I have turned a corner. I feel like I can envision being a person again, someday soon. It has been a long, long time since I wasnt bedridden, pain filled, almost useless, despairing, quite horrified. Today I feel like I am a person in a house in a neighborhood who watches current tv shows and wears socks and drinks cola and gets the phone herself (well, once)

Yesterday was bad. Steve working so hard, trying to keep the kids away so I could "rest", leaving me alone to hobble around and try to piece together some wierd sandwhich, alone alone cant fall asleep keep having nightmares, very unusual for me, sound like an ingrate--I hate to even type this, he has been so good, too good, working waaaaay too hard, on the verge of spazzing, cleaning, rushing, Casey! Charlie! No! No! No! Jesus what are you guys doing?! Just a second! Just a second! No! No! No hitting! Ohmygodyouguys NO!NO SPRINKLER! NO BITING! NO COOL WHIP! NO NO NO Touching poo-poo!.......While I practice lying on my side just a little but it hurts so bad, (is Steve ok??, man the little boys are being bad for him) to nurse the little cub-let--she is so tiny she isnt even a cub, really, just a tiny tiny little pink snoofing and sniffling cublet, a little girl-cublet, teensy little birdlegs I hate to even change her teensy diaper, she is just so itty bitty, why is this baby striking me as so incredibly small and delicate, Steve feels it, too--she has an aura of pre-newborn, maybe because she was brought inot this world quite a bit earlier than the last few babies, she is so sleepy and so smooshy floppy snuggly, round and fuzzy--all 4 other kids had these huge square heads-- that might sound mean, they were gorgeous babies but just so hefty and strong with these enormous heads and linebacker wide bodies...little Eska is just an apricot of an angel, a little sparrow-doll, so dolly is her little face, she stares at me and I just laugh/cry/gasp/smile why is this little face set just this way in this peachfuzz moonbaby, how can she make such a round little look in the dark, heaven hold on if she is disconnected from her teat, lemme tell ya and I couldnt be happier--at this stage in my life, this thirty three feeling like three hundred thirty three, there is no richer gift than to imagine her being WAYTOOATTACHED, oh how I used to fret and fuss when the grandmas and the old folks would stress me about my babies and how inappropriate it was for them to be so firmly attached to me....like I said, she gets it already, that I am her Mama and that I am good and that we were together forever and she popped out and we are still together, what else is there for this poppyseed, truly what else is there for something so helpless and so ridiculously hopeful and small besides to latch on to her fat milky and to kind of freak out when that latch is broken? Shes a smart cookie, my itty bitty.

anyhow, today is cool. I camped on the couch instead of the bed for a little while, took a shower, drank some Coke. Screw you, diabetes, I have given up dairy already so apricotmoonbaby doesnt get gas, but I am very happy to have delicious beverages back in my life, and Daddy brought home s-o-d-a-p-o-p today and it tastes very great.

I didnt tell you all this, but I had a headcold going into this birth and it only got worse. Coughing and blowing my nose has SUCKED with my incision and all..yeah...but the dear doctor, the OB, honored my request for some amoxicillin--hope we dont get thrush, but dude this was a real-deal sinus infection like I havent had in years...and it is helping. Slowly. but you know what worried me? I am not super hungry or thirsty, which were just the absolute hallmarks of early postpartum for me, always. It isnt cute, it isnt "weight loss", it is scary. I dont think it is right. I have been forcing myself to eat a little bit of food and to drink, even if it was some coke. I looked up a little online about the painkillers I am on, and I still keep trying (sometimes on accident like last night going from 10 pm to 8 am without taking anything SUCKED owwwwwwww uncool) to test if I can wean down yet, but no.

Now I know alot of new moms lament about their bodies etc and this is not that at all--I feel so small, so gentle, so fragile I am at that point where I think I am a skeleton. I just marvel at my feet, so bony and long, my hands, so mobile and thin, my little legs and arms---I was a goddamn HINDENBURG, I was just absolutely swelling up like that blueberry girl, my actual ass is smaller now, how can that be???---basically my entire body is deflated and soft and pale and weak. I feel like I was this ginat red balloon, pufffffff pufffff pufffff growing by the hour, and now I am this liquidy smoosh girl with sore sore bones underneath. I think thte last 4 months my "posture" was just my belly holding me up, because I have not one back muscle, not one. Camping out on the couch showed me that today.

I wonder how much of this is c-section stuff and how much is just tired old mama stuff? I know walking the way I have to for my incision is straining to my body, but I just feel so weak and mushy. I have no idea what will be the best way to come back from this whole thing, this pregnancy and delivery, but I know it will be a slow slow one this time. Its ok. I am sure when I am ready, that walking will be a good one, but I might really want to learn about some upper back exercises.

This blog, as i become more sleep deprived, will most certainly begin to take on the surreal rambling air of the semi-dreaming. I hope it makes sense, but maybe it doesnt and it will be cool to look back and read next year...
goodnite