Thursday, October 30, 2008

And....she's rolling!

The stay put days are over! Baby dolly can roll! You go, girl!

Lil' Eska, four months old

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Comebacks! Will there be a fifth one?

When I had Greta, she was my world, and I was hers. We didnt think about another baby until she was going on 2 1/2. We didnt have much trouble getting pregnant, maybe 2 or 3 cycles, and the new baby was born almost three years later, to the day. Very good spacing. My pregnancy with her gave me tons of stretch marks, huge new boobs, but all in all, a good return. Vaginal delivery, fit into my old clothes right away, when Mickey was born, Greta was still nursing but that was my choice it was infrequent,and it wasnt an issue. For the most part, with Greta, I felt like I had been pregnant, had a baby, and had a good long "comeback" between babies. Socializing, going out a little, wearing real jeans with zippers, decorative bras, a little alcohol, you know, just an adult.

After I had Mickey, the recovery time was harder, since he was a c section, and since I now had two children. But truly, by that Christmas I was bee-boppin Joy. I felt great, didnt really fit in the old clothes like before, had a scar on my belly now, but no freaky lump or roll or anything, and back to the old me for a good long while, too. Now, even though we tried to get pregnant as soon as humanly possible, (my period returned when Mickey was 9 months old), but pregnancy actually didnt happen for 20 months! So despite our secret sadness and worry and testing and charting and all that crap, I was having a very long comeback, so to speak. My farthest spaced children, in fact-- almost 38 months apart.

So we had our little Casey at home, when Mickey was 3 years + 2 months old, and it was a true one week recovery. I laid in bed for 4 days, came out to the living room for the next three days, daddy went back to work and I was doing great. I was tired, and going from 2 to 3 kids was a very very big adjustment for some reason, but the comeback was on the horizon, no doubt. I remember growing my hair very long, getting really into homeschooling, babywearing, cloth diapering, vegetarianism, all things natural, doing alot of baking, photography, reading, going to the library constantly, a very productive and positive time for me. Right before he turned one year old I got very serious about losing weight. I tried a few times before but it was too soon postpartum for me to be able to handle the low(er)-calorie thing without fits of rage and demetia, but when he was about 11 months old I had a little event happen to me in a dressing room and I started walking and drinking slimfast for breakfast and lunch and eating rice and steamed veggies for dinner and no more cola and no more beer and I lost alot of weight and then BAM I got pregnant when he was 17 months old although the comeback was a really strong one, that was January of 2005 and I have been in a state of extreme maternity ever since. Really, since Casey was conceived, in November 2002. pregnant,birth,lose a little weight,pregnant again, csection, dont heal up at all, pregnant again, csection, nursing all these little goofballs the whole time,hello it is almost November 2008!

Extreme maternity is pregnancy, full time breastfeeding at least one baby or kid, postpartum healing, depression, no sleep, no comebacks.

I dont know. I did have that cute fun blue hair time and lots of writing and blogging and good good times. But my body for SURE and my mind ALOT has had no comebacks and I am feeling it. Charlie's c section gave me the dreaded roll-sack-lump thingy on my belly which I detest and despise. The boobs have crashed and burned. I have grey hairs. Wrinkles. I can never come up with nouns, names, or titles anymore. Red spots. Spider veins. Neck ache. Back ache. Stiff hands. Broken shoulder never healed. Crazy crackling knees. Sexy!

This isnt about the scale or the clothing label. You guys know I am all about the beautiful motherly body and how glorious it all is, truly. But I am talking about comebacks here. If I can make one, just this one last time, it will be a true miracle. If youve ever had a baby or been the partner of someone, shared the life with someone who has had a baby you know about comebacks.

I have been in a state of extreme maternity for 5 years now. Its nothing compared to some of my readers with the 6 kids in 6 years (CNH!!! I LOVE YOU!!) but it was too much for this old girl. This comeback is gonna take time and its gonna have to be a real one, not a Wonderbra-and-coffee one, is this resonating with any other Mamas? Any comeback stories?

Ive made great strides mentally. For me, its too early for dieting. I am walking lots and drinking water. I am almost ready for exercises. My hair is resting and growing. I am getting my household back on track. My homeschool is smaller now but it is going nicely. Everyday is a little step closer to full comeback status.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

There is no going back to the way I was...but this time thats a good thing.

I made real , permanent, loving peace with two very important women in my life, and I think that helped me to let go of anger and coming out of that, I have felt good and whole and confident and competent as of late, mentally and therefore physically. I still will never knowif I "had" post partum depression by some chemical standpoint but my life SUCKED and I was a useless ragdoll of a wife, mother, homemaker, homeschool teacher, really, anything. I was just f-ed up, body mind and soul and now I am not.

It was great to have the kids go to school, I needed that quiet.
It was great to have a big institution (public school) "help" us as a family have to get up and dressed and organized everyday, oddly enough, we needed that.

I am still a postpartum Mama. I hope to GOD that nobody thought I was saying I was "All better" in that yucky tabloid way, a.k.a. she got her abs back or something demented....I keep my abdominal binder in the trunk of my minivan if I will be walking far distances or lifting alot. I am wakened many many times in the night by my little nursling, and in everyway I am "still" post-partum (arent we all, really, forever?)My body is mushy-mush-mush, and all kinds of pads are still a part of my daily life. But I do not feel what for me, 4 times out of 5 births, was that BAD bad bad stuff. The part where I am extremely in danger, the terribly vulnerable with no hope whatsoever part. That is gone. In fact, I am feeling like a super tough bad-ass and I am having to try and keep that in check, out of common sense.

But that terrible, terrorizing, circular, drowning, despairing, bitter, regretful, confused, lonely, estranged, foolish, victimized, injured, damaged, broken, lost, brittle, delicate, misunderstood, dangerously anguishing feeling is COMPLETELY gone. And the only pills I take, ever, are a B-12 and a vitamin D.

So, yeah, YAY YAY YAY! But please, Mamas, know where I am coming from and know that I am not suggesting in way shape or form that anyone need to "bounce back" in 3 months. There IS NO GOING BACK TO THE WAY YOU WERE BECAUSE THAT PERSON IS GONE AND THIS TIME AROUND I HAVE COME OUT OF MY PROCESS "BETTER".

I would also like to note that there WAS NO postpartum healing after I had Charlie. I went right into this new pregnancy as a complete mess and completely unaware of it.