Wednesday, October 8, 2008

There is no going back to the way I was...but this time thats a good thing.

I made real , permanent, loving peace with two very important women in my life, and I think that helped me to let go of anger and coming out of that, I have felt good and whole and confident and competent as of late, mentally and therefore physically. I still will never knowif I "had" post partum depression by some chemical standpoint but my life SUCKED and I was a useless ragdoll of a wife, mother, homemaker, homeschool teacher, really, anything. I was just f-ed up, body mind and soul and now I am not.

It was great to have the kids go to school, I needed that quiet.
It was great to have a big institution (public school) "help" us as a family have to get up and dressed and organized everyday, oddly enough, we needed that.

I am still a postpartum Mama. I hope to GOD that nobody thought I was saying I was "All better" in that yucky tabloid way, a.k.a. she got her abs back or something demented....I keep my abdominal binder in the trunk of my minivan if I will be walking far distances or lifting alot. I am wakened many many times in the night by my little nursling, and in everyway I am "still" post-partum (arent we all, really, forever?)My body is mushy-mush-mush, and all kinds of pads are still a part of my daily life. But I do not feel what for me, 4 times out of 5 births, was that BAD bad bad stuff. The part where I am extremely in danger, the terribly vulnerable with no hope whatsoever part. That is gone. In fact, I am feeling like a super tough bad-ass and I am having to try and keep that in check, out of common sense.

But that terrible, terrorizing, circular, drowning, despairing, bitter, regretful, confused, lonely, estranged, foolish, victimized, injured, damaged, broken, lost, brittle, delicate, misunderstood, dangerously anguishing feeling is COMPLETELY gone. And the only pills I take, ever, are a B-12 and a vitamin D.

So, yeah, YAY YAY YAY! But please, Mamas, know where I am coming from and know that I am not suggesting in way shape or form that anyone need to "bounce back" in 3 months. There IS NO GOING BACK TO THE WAY YOU WERE BECAUSE THAT PERSON IS GONE AND THIS TIME AROUND I HAVE COME OUT OF MY PROCESS "BETTER".

I would also like to note that there WAS NO postpartum healing after I had Charlie. I went right into this new pregnancy as a complete mess and completely unaware of it.

1 comment:

Angi said...

Wow-you sound so good. I'm happy for you :)