Monday, March 5, 2007

A NEW START



I have done something I have never done before. I have deleted a post.

The resultant fall-out among real-life people as a result of my writing was unforseen, dissappointing, terribly terribly
NOT what I was expecting.


Although the offending post was not an "upbeat" one, my only intention was personal release, relief, solace and therapeutic sorting out of true life events in my mind, on my blog, my personal forum, with a theme of pregnancy and birth, without naming names, in an adult and straightforward manner.

Nobody was ready for me to break into anything real like that, and I have gotten in "big trouble", so to speak. (How does a 31 year old get in big trouble? Good question. Angry emails for the most part so far, and coming up, I am assuming, unnofficial black-listing, passive exclusion, and an eventual leveling out to a low level of anger and distrust. If I'm lucky.

I was NOT suppossed to come out with that, not ever. I see that now. I just didnt know my family was reading this blog. Touched, annoyed, frustrated, surprised, self-concious, apprehensive...these are the emotions I feel now, hope they will pass. )

My crime was "going there". Talking about the bad times. Feeling angry. Working through shitty stuff. Pandering for sympathetic or empathetic comments (and getting them). Shaming my family. Outing us all. Listing truths. Breaking the bubble. Being human and having a memory. Not remaining a robot. Not talking about the weather everytime.

I wrote the post for a very specific reason, in reaction to some feelings and events that have come to surface recently. I really wanted to help women who are pregnant and afraid to tell thier familes to see that others have been there, and I wanted to lay down all the evil words that were swirling around in my mind in a cohesive manner. It was difficult and amazing and freeing. Once I typed them all out, it was like they were out of my head. The problem is, I published them, instead of ripping them up or throwing them in the fire. Such is the digital age...

I never meant to hurt anyone, I didnt know it was possible. These were MY hurts, MY painful experiences---and now here I am with a whole new set of trouble lying in my lap. I certainly did not mean to solicit a whole new set of trouble in the family. The double-jeopardy of enduring the original comments and now the new comments is not something I anticipated in a million years. Does WHOOPS about cover it?

So, although I regret deeply writing the post, the only shame is the denial and secrecy that lives strong among those whom I share genes.

I toyed with many reactions to this mess, considering changing the URL addresses to all my blogs, digitally run away and hide, stop blogging, and more. But that would be the way that someone who was bad or guilty would act, and I am not bad and I am not guilty.

From now on, I will follow a slightly different set of RULES. You, the reader, can then chose if this is something you wish to spend time reading, or if you would rather not.

1) I will not discuss my family. This sounds rediculous and in a way it is. But since they clearly read my blog now, and since there was such a chain reaction to the post, I will see how it goes leaving out my actual roots and blood relatives on my blog.

2) I will no longer guarantee a G or even PG rating on anything besides the Homeschool Blog. I am an adult and I drink and swear and live a life. Don't like it? Bite me. Bite yourself. Bite the computer. Move on. Unplug. Go outside. Float downstream. Make love not war. Take a pill. Go shopping. Have a sundae. Go to church. Make a voodoo doll of me and shove it down the insinkerator. I DONT CARE.

I love my mom.
I love my step dad.
I love my aunts.
I love my mother in law.
I love my father in law.
I love my dad.

I wish them all the happiness in the world. Always have.
Now I move on.


Please no inflammatory comments. I need support but no more trouble.

10 comments:

stockingup99 said...

Often when a family member starts to recover, the rest of the family tries to keep them in the same role they are used too.

Perhaps a paper journal might be safer, if you can keep them from finding it and reading it anyways.

I'm sending prayers for your continued journey.

Housefairy said...

Thank you so much for this.

CreepyUCMama said...

I'm sorry to hear about this as I enjoyed your original post, and I'm sorry your family is unable to begin the healing process you were so obviously attempting to begin. I'm thankful every day that my family doesn't read my blog. Hang in there, and please don't censor yourself, you're too important.

Housefairy said...

(tears)

Do you think I should change my blog URL? It would only take a second but I feel like it feeds into it all...still up in the air.

Housefairy said...

I guess feeling UNimportant is what this was all about. wow--

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

Baby Keeper said...

Housefairy --

This is an extraordinarily well-written piece. Really. I missed the comments but your piece so heart felt and powerful. Sounds to me like you are finding your voice and your way and there is nothing bad about that. Some of us believe one can not reach the levels one wishes until one really deals with, embraces, and heal our origin (father-sperm and mother-egg)of whom we are from, no way of out it. It often comes with some moments like you recently had.

I so appreciate your acknowledgement of my journey with my son in Iraq. One of the most important things I am learning is to "let go" and let him, his soul, live his path. I always felt that my children were souls who came through me and that I didn't own them. I parented and lived that way. "Be careful what you ask for AND think!" Never did I imagine how deeply I could go to feel that releasing and letting go -- as him going to war has taken me. Motherhood is the ONLY human relationship that BEGINS totally in-love, totally trusting, totally emeshed with the outcome to be "letting go". It is hard. Every other relationship begins far apart and develops over time with trust. The job of mothering is a huge spiritual task. They are teachers. Who imagines this when you have these sweet little things you can't imagine out of your sight? I developed the theory that God made the teenage years so we WOULD let them go. Sometimes we mothers in my military family support group agree that we have been given the journey to regard our child and to let go in love at a level that most people don't get to do. (this is on a good day!!) BOTH the chlid -- whatever age -- and the parent have to negotiate letting go. It is so hard as a parent of older children and adults to see our mistakes in how our children suffer or live life (for me it's worse to see them living my mistakes!) I betcha you and your family (parents) are just going through the life process of renegotiating and "separating". It's a process that goes on for a long, long time.
What came through so strongly in your post was claiming your voice. I love it. I hear ya. aaahhyyaayyaa yyaaayyyaaa.

CreepyUCMama said...

Personally, I wouldn't change my URL, and I'd put the post I deleted back up. Not to start trouble, but to let your family know that even though you love them dearly, you're entitled to have your thoughts and feelings and process them, in private, or out loud, and as you wish to do, even if they would rather those feelings be swept under the rug. If they prefer not to deal with their own feelings then perhaps they should refrain from reading your blog, but you should not be the one to suffer because of their feelings. What you wrote was beautiful and it was not meant to hurt those you love, anyone could see that. Sometimes it's hard to see things you don't want to see called out, but again, this blog is for you, and you can't live your life for the happiness of others. You have many important things to say and your original post could have been written by so many women. It's important.

Housefairy said...

Thank you everyone.

The problem is, it was immediately proclaimed that I was a liar. I told "twisted and ugly lies" and there are people who are waiting for APOLOGIES!

TO go into how rediculous it would be for me, who wanted children since I was 5 years old, to MAKE UP A STORY that a bunch of people who should have been happiest to hear the news were extremely rude and even cruel to me and my husband FOUR DIFFERENT TIMES for FOUR DIFFERENT PREGNANCIES, just to garner sympathy---(????) is just so far fetched and stupid and, I dont know, even crueler than the original comments, in a way.
I dont know how to find the post, or recover it, but it was every comment that i could remember directed our way each time we announced to our family that we were pregnant. It referred to five peoples quotes, I never named any names, but it caused a freak out.

Thanks for all the support, I am going to blog more than ever. Hugs to the Mamas and the babies and the familes.

Sgt Howie said...

Sending hugs and well wishes your way. I wouldn't have deleted it either, but that's just me. Either way, you know the truth.

CreepyUCMama said...

I have a strict life policy, sometimes it even annoys the people I most love, but here it is: I do not EVER apologize for anything I didn't do wrong. I don't care if someone else thinks it is wrong. I do not apologize for my thoughts, feelings, or words unless I am actually sorry for them.