I have done something I have never done before. I have deleted a post.
The resultant fall-out among real-life people as a result of my writing was unforseen, dissappointing, terribly terribly
NOT what I was expecting.
Although the offending post was not an "upbeat" one, my only intention was personal release, relief, solace and therapeutic sorting out of true life events in my mind, on my blog, my personal forum, with a theme of pregnancy and birth, without naming names, in an adult and straightforward manner.
Nobody was ready for me to break into anything real like that, and I have gotten in "big trouble", so to speak. (How does a 31 year old get in big trouble? Good question. Angry emails for the most part so far, and coming up, I am assuming, unnofficial black-listing, passive exclusion, and an eventual leveling out to a low level of anger and distrust. If I'm lucky.
I was NOT suppossed to come out with that, not ever. I see that now. I just didnt know my family was reading this blog. Touched, annoyed, frustrated, surprised, self-concious, apprehensive...these are the emotions I feel now, hope they will pass. )
My crime was "going there". Talking about the bad times. Feeling angry. Working through shitty stuff. Pandering for sympathetic or empathetic comments (and getting them). Shaming my family. Outing us all. Listing truths. Breaking the bubble. Being human and having a memory. Not remaining a robot. Not talking about the weather everytime.
I wrote the post for a very specific reason, in reaction to some feelings and events that have come to surface recently. I really wanted to help women who are pregnant and afraid to tell thier familes to see that others have been there, and I wanted to lay down all the evil words that were swirling around in my mind in a cohesive manner. It was difficult and amazing and freeing. Once I typed them all out, it was like they were out of my head. The problem is, I published them, instead of ripping them up or throwing them in the fire. Such is the digital age...
I never meant to hurt anyone, I didnt know it was possible. These were MY hurts, MY painful experiences---and now here I am with a whole new set of trouble lying in my lap. I certainly did not mean to solicit a whole new set of trouble in the family. The double-jeopardy of enduring the original comments and now the new comments is not something I anticipated in a million years. Does WHOOPS about cover it?
So, although I regret deeply writing the post, the only shame is the denial and secrecy that lives strong among those whom I share genes.
I toyed with many reactions to this mess, considering changing the URL addresses to all my blogs, digitally run away and hide, stop blogging, and more. But that would be the way that someone who was bad or guilty would act, and I am not bad and I am not guilty.
From now on, I will follow a slightly different set of RULES. You, the reader, can then chose if this is something you wish to spend time reading, or if you would rather not.
1) I will not discuss my family. This sounds rediculous and in a way it is. But since they clearly read my blog now, and since there was such a chain reaction to the post, I will see how it goes leaving out my actual roots and blood relatives on my blog.
2) I will no longer guarantee a G or even PG rating on anything besides the Homeschool Blog. I am an adult and I drink and swear and live a life. Don't like it? Bite me. Bite yourself. Bite the computer. Move on. Unplug. Go outside. Float downstream. Make love not war. Take a pill. Go shopping. Have a sundae. Go to church. Make a voodoo doll of me and shove it down the insinkerator. I DONT CARE.
I love my mom.
I love my step dad.
I love my aunts.
I love my mother in law.
I love my father in law.
I love my dad.
I wish them all the happiness in the world. Always have.
Now I move on.
Please no inflammatory comments. I need support but no more trouble.