Saturday, November 21, 2009

shrink shopping

Feeling somewhat better today...I missed my "pill" (Zoloft) last weekend 2 days in a row and it may have set me off into a bad patch. I felt horribly dour and depressed early in the week, as you read. Anyhow, the kids and I went to a holiday parade in our "Downtown" and it was kind of fun for them, I think they liked it... It was unseasonably warm and we enjoyed just wearing sweaters. I must admit feeling fake and disoriented about Santa and jingle bell dudes and local politicians waving in convertibles with greenery on them...its not even Thanksgiving, its warm out, and my mom is dead. Its kind of like that first car ride with your first baby...that whole "Why are these freaks driving so fast? Who can eat McDonalds on a very special day such as this? Why isnt anyone looking into our car at red lights to see the miracle?"...just seemed rude to have a parade and say yay yay xmas oh yeah woot woot when really, I feel nothing of the sort. I just feel fear and sleepiness and worry.

Can you tell I am struggling to blog? Oh well. Little updates are better than not writing.

I did a depression check on WebMD and it linked me to local shrinks/counselors and whatnot, and I emailed those to myself to call monday. I am not looking forward to finding childcare, going to the new doctor, and them possibly being somehow yucky and then having to start that whole process again. But I guess its worth it. Obviously if I find someone cool or tolerable or even perhaps kind and professional, that'd be fabulous! Also, if he/she starts thinking that homeschooling is bad and wouldnt I like a nice break from the kiddies, that is going to color our whole exchange, so I am hoping for some tolerance on that arena also. Natural parenting, too, whatever that means or if I even "Do" any of "it" anymore, I dont want any eyes rolled about nursing or anything like that. I am sure there are very cool doctors out there, its just the wading through them process that I dont have the strength for. At least not tonight!

Well, here's to me finding a cool psychiatrist or something/someone. I am doing research into lots of different medications and alternative stuff too and hope to get it all going...yeah...right after I sleep for like 4 months zzzzzzzzzz thats all I really truly want. Sleep and quiet.


MamaVee said...

Christmas before December 1st just feels wrong. I hope you find a really wonderful fantastical doctor really soon.

Kelley said...

Jon has been listening to Christmas music since just after Halloween, but I'm rebelling. It's just not Christmas until AFTER Thanksgiving!

I hope you find a great doctor, Joy. Good luck.

Corin said...

Oh Joy, I have been out of the blogging loop for some time now, and am so sorry to hear about the way you're feeling/have been. Ugh, just sucks. Life sometimes. I can't imagine what you must be feeling about your mom, your anxiety, depression. I briefly was on medication for anxiety/depression when I was 19. It helped. Though, I had to hit absolute rock bottom before anything else. I prayed. Although I was (supposedly) athiest at the time. And I will pray for you tonight.

Well wishes to you my friend :)

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mai'a said...

hi joy! i have been a lurker on your blog for over a year now. i love it. your straight up honesty. inner and outer battles. reading you always makes me feel like im not the only going a little mental sometimes and still thinks my kid are the awesome of awesome.
anyways, i have this little zine. called revolutionary motherhood. and this edition is called: outlaw midwives. i would love it if you could contribute something. here is the call for submissions:

i would love to include your voice.
peace and love

Elisabeth said...

It's tough to look for a therapist (for lack of better word). when yo need one is when it's toughest to muster energy to find a good one. The last one I visited started was frankly bizarre. I've given up on the search.

Alexandra said...

I wish I could send you to my therapist! Too bad she is on the other side of the country from you. But maybe it can give you some hope that awesome, non-judgmental therapists who really help people are out there. I found mine through my midwife. Have you tried that? Your midwife has probably dealt with PPD before in her clients and might have someone she recommends.