That last post was a bit ridiculous. I am sore and stupid. I guess I cant go to beaches and I guess that when I feel good I still cant do anything normal! I am sore, bruised feeling, pinchy, burn-y, got the whole pez-dispenser cracked in half thing going on again, with-- bonus!-- insides falling out.
: (
I guess its more resting. Resting resting forever.
Anyhow the beach was fun and Casey had a great birthday. Eska is a super super easy cheerful contented baby and I wish I was writing more about that rather than all this continual Wah Wah shit but jeez it really has taken over my life, this recovery.
9 comments:
Oh man, Joy. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! I'm so sorry this has been such an ordeal for you. It sounds like it's a darn good thing Eska is so sweet natured.
So.....rest....and rest and rest some more. Joy, it's not been even 2 months! Lighten up on yourself and give yourself the time you need. It's too early for parties and beaches and "pushing" yourself. Part of what's going on is that you get a little bit of strength back; feel a little bit "normal" and "good" and you over do it. It's a completely understandable process ( I did it myself, to myself, over and over....I truly didn't take my own advice until I had Mary by C section and then, at age 41, I had NO choice because I couldn't walk upright for 5 weeks ) but truly, truly the only "cure" for all of this is time and lots of rest and try, try not to worry or put pressure on yourself to do it "faster" or "better" or "more right". The only "right" way here is your own way, in your own time. Just rest; literally sit down, lie down, whatever, whenever you possibly can. No blame, no shame........
Ah, serene baby girls, mama's daughters, they are such a joy! So sorry your poor scarred body keeps playing "Psych!! Gotcha!" on you :(
It's all right to blog it all out!! It's therapeutic to vent. We're listening, we're empathizing, we're not here for feel-good blabber. (Plus, you're creating a real-time document of real life healing. Quintessential Breast and Bellies Blog.)
As much as I love you Judit and ordinarily agree with you; Joy's body isn't playing "Psych...gotcha". It's doing exactly what it should be doing: giving Joy good information to guide her, just as we SAY we believe it does during pregnancy and birth....I fiind it interesting that we talk about trusting our body's wisdom during those transitional times but, come postpartum, we kind of revert to ignoring our bodily wisdom and begin assuming that our "heads' know better than our bodies what we need to do! ( Smile )....My concern is that becoming "negative" with our postpartum bodies and starting to assume that they are playing 'tricks' on us doesn't allow us to hear or heed the message: A postpartum mothers' body, especially one that is nursing and trying, in the first 6-8 weeks, to build up a milk supply and recover from whatever birth has brought needs respect, reverent and prioritized rest and recuperation time. It needs excellent nutrition and as much peace and quiet as possible. The fact is; a newly postpartum body/psyche truly "can't" go to the beach or go to parties or do a lot of housework or live with a lot of stress because that isn't what the newly postpartum body is supposed to be doing; it's supposed to be resting and healing.
I think that when we start bombarding our bodies with negativity and criticism from our "heads"--Oh, you bad body, you are being mean to me, you are playing tricks on me" we add insult to injury. Howsabout " My body is SOOOO good and SOOO on track with me that it's telling me, loud and clear, to take better CARE of myself and to give myself permission to say "NO" and to not do things I'm not ready to do....GOOD body....THANK you! " ( more smiles ).
I like that better than being "criticial" of ourselves or our "bodies/ourselves" or assuming that it isn't going "right". It is....it is. Just give it more time.
I am sure Judit was just responding to the way I have been posting-- "everything is great!....Everything is terrible!..." flip flop.
Anyhow, Michelle/Kneelingwomn, man is this advice and understanding coming from you extremely valueable and affirming to me. I am nearly insane with the frustration that "People" dont understand what I am going through, and that "They" expect me to be running around. Much of this is totally imagined, in fact my mother in law whom I rarely see and who should have NO bearing on my life is probably the only actual person who thinks I am a stupid faking loser, and quite honestly, she thinks that about everybody, no matter what the ailment--that is her thing. Steve had double pneumonia once and she was irate that he went to the E.R. and not to work....
Anyhow. Yes. You are beyond right and I couldnt feel more strongly about the truth of what you have written. It seems that in these crazy times of such high c section rates, I dont have ANY friends or know anyone who has had one...just a few accquaintances and they just sort of refer to "needing alot of help those first months" and I think "ha! months!" and thats about all.
I am upset. Not because I thought it would be easy, just because my family has collapsed around me and the only times when things seem sort of, SORT OF "okay" is when I strap on my abdominal binder, take a bunch of drugs, and "get it together", so to speak. And its fun, and its cool, and it feels like Hey things are gonna be ok, wow what a rough road that was but its over now yayayayay
But its not. And I am not 25 like when I had Mickey and I never healed from the section I had at 30...so I am f#$%ed up and well, with this shoulder bullcrap I really feel like some sort of Frankenstein's monster, with hair and makeup and jeans and t shirt, looking for all the world like some fun little Mommy but Iam really a propped-up very injured and very broken old woman and well, wow this is getting a bit long, now.
I hope the real time recovery report does do something for someone out there. I was beginning to feel like Breat and Belly used to be clever and intelligent and observant (is that conceited? I dont mean it that way)and now it is some weird depressing low-effort journal about my Ouchy stupidness. There have GOt to be some readers who think that I was an asshole for having a cesarean, but dude, "going there" isnt where I can be right now, I have to tell myself I would have had one either way....
!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!@#$#$#^#^^#$^%#$#$$#@@#
Ok. I WILL heal. I am trying to eat food that isnt crappy and I am going to take a yoga class in the fall so I am not so brittle and hobbling. I go to bed at like 9pm now and I am taking all kinds of supplements.
rhank you seriously for hearing me and believeing me.
Just what kind of an asshole would think that? <- "There have GOt to be some readers who think that I was an asshole for having a cesarean" Shame on them if they exist.
Love to you Joy!
Hi Joy--I didn't get back over here to read your response to my response until just now; sorry. I know how hard all of this is on you and for you; I really do. I know because I've been there and I know because I know you ( and love you ). Please just know that I am here for you and that you have a lot of good women/people here on your blog who are also here for you and who do understand. Your blog is wonderful and more importantly; your blog is "real" and that is a very valuable thing in a world that often seems false to the core. Use your writing here for your own healing and to share your experience with others for their healing. I'm going out of town again this weekend until next weekend but I'll be checking in on the computers at a terrific coffee house in Munising ("The Falling Rock" - if anyone's heading to Munising Michigan besides me) so, if anything...anything at all. Keep writing! I'll answer. That reminds me: You know, one of my playlist songs is "yours". Actually two....."Call and Answer" ( maybe more closely for both of us; you get to sing the "bridge" back to me ) and "Why"....But the most healing one to give a listen to is the first one 'Miracle Drug'. I think you'll "hear" it. (And no, I don't care if everyone knows that Joy is so important to me that I put songs for her on my playlist; some people you just love......) So, grab a nice dark beer, pull up a chair and give a listen; it'll help honey. You are going to feel better; I promise. Love, M.
Joy, I wish I had something helpful to say like Kneelingwoman and Judit. All I can say is that I love you dearly, I look forward to everything you write, and I always have a listening ear turned your way. It breaks my heart that you are having such a tough time healing. We've been through this whole thing together, but it's so different for us now. That makes me so sad. I have great faith that you'll feel better, if not sooner than later. Again, I'm so glad that Eska is being so good for you. I'd hate to see you having to juggle this healing process with a cranky baby. God definitely knows what we can handle, even if we ourselves aren't always too sure.
And Joy....I love you. I do. You are going to get through this and make it to the "other side". You are still, and always, my "partner" in so many things. The future is open and a beautiful, free, space where all is possibility. Many centuries ago, a Christian Mystic, a woman, Julian of Norwich, said this: "All will be well and all will be well and all manner of things will be well.". It will.
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