I suck so bad, I am SO sorry I haven't blogged!
Anyways, where did I leave ya hanging? Oh yes--coo-coo psycho Mom and her meds or therapists or whatnot. Well, I took the easy way out--some losers might say--and got on a nice little pill called Effexor. 75mg, twice a day, if you must know.
at first, I felt shaky, nauseous, and like I told anyone who would listen, as if my very blood was menthol. Seriously, it wasn't a chill so much as a refreshing, albeit artificial, sense of freshness and new-ness. I felt like I had gotten a blood transfusion, and I felt a distinct lack of ANXIETY. Perfectly fine by me, as it so happens, gripping onto your own arms and pacing in the kitchen is completely scary for your children to witness and does not do wonders for the household vibes, the skin, or anything whatsoever.
So, there was me, kind of dizzy, with my minty blood (I swear to you I could feel every vein's whereabouts in my body--there is a very long one that goes from the backs of your arms down and around to your pinkie) and my lack of anxiety, kind of not hungry but needing to nibble on food so as not to puke and it was very weird.
Then I realized that I was no longer afraid to watch certain movies/tv shows, nor was I ruining almost every evening with Steve by covering my eyes and yelling TURN IT OFF! to almost everything we tried to watch. (Before this medicine, I couldn't bear the stress of watching anything beyond a nature show --if there was no killing--or maybe a home makeover show--if there was no surprise factor) I also couldn't bear to watch any tv or movie that contained (or threatened to contain:
Socially awkward situations (Borat would be an extreme example)
Pranks
Bloopers
Injuries
Violence
Sadness
Illness
War
Injustice
Cruel Comedy
and of course, anything just flat out "chick-flick" fare like "My Mom has cancer" or "My baby died" or "My marriage fell apart" or "My sister hates me now" or "My best friend betrayed me"
So, all of a sudden, Im miss fun wife, watching Comedians and Snoop Dogg and stuff involving Seth Rogan. All of a sudden, like in week 3, I am just CLOSER to "myself". I am open and available to my children, my husband, reality. Hiding under a quilt literally and figuratively no longer seems desirable. Honest communication doesn't top my list of dreads anymore. I am no longer the walking manifestation of Fear anymore.
Cool! I am also now, in maybe week 5? not feeling mentholated blood or dizzyness. My appetite is pretty normal although I am losing a little weight from not eating so much comfort-carbs, and my sleep, when the babies let me, is really fun! I have these amazing dreams where I am so sexy fun and cool, and the feeling lasts all morning. I don't know who I think I am in these dreams, but I jet set and I rock and roll and I get into adventures with interesting people and its quite fun!
The downsides to effexor, for me, right now, are minimal. I know full well that it is one that can be a horrible nightmare to stop taking, but as I do not plan to anytime soon, that is okay. One time I missed my dose by several hours and I felt myself getting very bitchy and edgy, and that was about it. Also, one time I tried to have a mom breakfast of a cup of coffee or three and I really did almost puke. I had to jam down a sandwhich and then I was fine.
There can be sexual side effects and without getting too grody or graphic, I have noticed that it can take a bit more effort to get into it but overall sex is still lovely fantasmic ding ding ding hooray! Ok I struggled with that sentence for like 5 minutes so Im leaving it as is : )
So that is it for the meds. I am not going to a shrink at this time.
4 comments:
I have taken Wellbutrin for years and it has worked well for my depression. However, my anxiety is getting increasingly worse so my Dr tried me on effexor. I took it for about 4 days and the side effects were AWFUL. I was kind of a zombie. I probably didn't pick a smart time to start it - during the middle of my last quarter of nursing school. Now I am studying for my state boards and don't want to be a zombie. A lot of the side effects you mentioned I was experiencing. I am just wondering if you felt really stupid and spacy when you started taking it. I literally couldn't have a conversation with just about anyone. Did you have that too?
I'm SOOOOOO glad you're doing/feeling better. It makes my heart sing to hear you sounding so happy again. It's been a long time, a very long time, since I've heard this from you and I'm thrilled for you. Yay!!!
Yes, I was totally spacy and sleepy. I would just go from the couch to the bed and it took a good friend to tell me to hang in there for a month or so and I am glad I did.
I still feel out of it sometimes but have no idea if that is life with 5 kids and me staying up too late : )
But without it I couldnt think or really do anything useful at all. EVERYTHING qualified as "I cant deal with it right now"--every singlke thing the kids told me, all mail, email, life events. Now I feel unafraid and un-anxious. Even in the face of some pretty big stuff I seem to take it in stride instead of panic.
I stumbled onto your blog and this post struck me because of the Effexor. It isn't hard at all to get off of. I reached a point in my life where I wasn't getting out of bed. Horribly depressed and I will spare you the details. Wow - Effexor was a lifesaver! I was on it for about a year and then I started having panic attacks, which to me was my body telling me the depression was gone and I didn't need the drug anymore (I'm big on listening to my body). With the doctors help I slowly weaned off of it. By slow I mean a month. No problems! Haven't needed it since (knock on wood). Although, I didn't find Xanax hard to get off of twenty years ago either when I needed to wean off that to try to get pregnant (pregnant didn't work, but getting off Xanax did!). And now that you know way more about my life than you ever wanted to, I will leave you!
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