This post by NavelGazing Midwife is very very helpful, (especially to the people who are having such a hard time understanding and supporting mothers who are going through these processes.)
I am happy to say that I am at re-framing and acceptance, and I couldnt have done so without KneelingWoman being back in my life. I'll never forget when I told her my tearful story of Charlie's birth at what is now our favorite Thai restaurant, (along with all of the angry wording, the blaming of anyone,anything, myself, the streaming tears) and she simply said, "sometimes the babies just don't line up, no matter what you or anyone do or don't do. I'm so sorry."
This was so new to me, being immersed for years in both (radical) realms of on-line cesarean mourning/doctor blaming/self-blaming and my real-life people whose overall chant seemed quite stuck in the "let go of your anger! you're too angry! anger is so bad! let it go! Be glad your baby is fine!"....what was this new logical calm factual unemotionally-charged idea of (to massively paraphrase) Shit Happens and It sucks But You Dont Suck, and There Really Really Is a Good Chance That That Baby Was Not Gonna Come Out Your Vagina And Thats Just The Way It Sometimes Goes???? I didnt even know what to think or say right away, but it was so new, so non-blamey, that my stomach unraveled and I enjoyed my meal in a way that I really dont think could have been possible after so recently discussing my birth story of Charlie!
From someone who knows. From someone who knows about helping women with grief, from someone who has had cesareans and losses far worse than mine, from someone who has caught one of my own babies, with no strings attached about me needing to buck up or me needing to really do or be anything other than Joy who had another C section and it started me on the fast track to ReFraming and Acceptance.
My entire attitudes about homebirth, unnassisted birth, and what birthing for me and my body and my future might be have been changed over the last few months. There has been a trend in the midwife blogs that I frequent of discussing stuff that can go wrong, discussing reality, and discussing where we go from here. Its all cosmic karmic amazing timing for me, being pregnant and starting my apprenticeship in midwifery.....Im in a very different place than I was last year, 2 years ago, and yet there is no blog entry that I would "take back". Every step of the way on this journey has been raw and real and important to me, even if my thoughts are totally different now.
I still believe with all of my heart that home is a fine and safe place to give birth for many many women.
I still beleive with all of my heart that the "habits", I will call them, of many many OB practices of popping everyone on the pitocin as a part of their late-pregnancy "care", or using ultrasound to determine that our babies are "too big" is a terrible idea.
I still believe with all of my heart that far too many women have no idea that they have other options, and I now believe that being completely realistic is, for me, my only way of being a Sage woman.
I have been through alot with my births, and I have been quietly coming to realize how much of my upset has absolutely nothing to do with what hole the baby came through. With time, I hope that the people who are still way back in the earlier stages that are outlined so eloquently by NavelGazing Midwife can get to where I am and where I am going to.