Spent a wonderful albeit exhausting (my energy level is still SO low) last few days finally having people over to the new place, and visiting our friends' new baby, etc. My dear brave Mom who has stage 4 cancer and my steadfast Step Dad, my dear sister and her 3 little adorable little ones, and my best friend from high school and her wonderful son, all got to come and spend time in the biggest little house ever. I do not know how this tiny place seems to be so able to house so many guests comfortably, but it does, and I already know I dont want to move and would like to buy this place--yep you heard me--my wanderlust is GONE, something I wasnt sure would ever happen to me in my lifetime. Now dont get me wrong, I still am desperate for travel, but that seething itching desire to "leave my options open" and to job and house search in other states (!!! yes i do this) is just gone--poof--like that. interesting how one place can change you. I like it. Ok huge understatement. I feel an enormous peace, comfort and safety here--perhaps the finding the house was the cherry on top, perhaps it is everything. But I have been on a journey, an unforseen and to be honest, unwanted ride for a while now. I keep joking to everyone that I need to get a T-Shirt that reads "Sorry about 2008".....as if that would cover all of the memory loss, friendships not nurtured, actions not well understood, or anything, really.
So many things have come full circle for me and my family, and this time it is different than just "getting my figure back" (ha!) or "Sleeping through the night" (double ha!). We have been through some stuff. I know I will never be the same. What only a year and a half ago was a cozy surprise, another pregnancy, turned into alot.
But here we are, and the sweet baby is as precious as ever. I wanted to write some big poignant thing about her turning 9 months old a couple of days ago, but really, so many others have done such a beautiful job of that, so, yes, 9 months in the belly and 9 months out in the world, seems significant, yet I cant really bring myself to write anything monumental about that. I am not poetic or nostalgic when it comes to much of anything about my pregnancy with Eska, but believe me when i tell you that miss apricotmoonbaby Eskarina Poppy has brought me nothing but joy and none of what I have been through is her fault, she has just sort of been there with us, through it all. Too many changes, time to rest.
I kept saying that I have been "thinking" since November, and I still am. Maybe not the deep meditation that January with a nursing baby and 2 feet of snow can bring, but still in that phase. The children are d-e-c-o-m-p-r-e-s-s-i-n-g, and knowing that this is best for them is why I am a good mother. Flat out. Some of them show it on the outside, some of them seem "fine". But I know it has all been too much, three houses, a baby, a sectioned mama wildly depressed, lets try public school....wow.
So, heres to a fresh new week, it is supposed to be 70 degrees tomorrow and then get cold again, so we will be outside as much as possible, have a great day!