Spent a wonderful albeit exhausting (my energy level is still SO low) last few days finally having people over to the new place, and visiting our friends' new baby, etc. My dear brave Mom who has stage 4 cancer and my steadfast Step Dad, my dear sister and her 3 little adorable little ones, and my best friend from high school and her wonderful son, all got to come and spend time in the biggest little house ever. I do not know how this tiny place seems to be so able to house so many guests comfortably, but it does, and I already know I dont want to move and would like to buy this place--yep you heard me--my wanderlust is GONE, something I wasnt sure would ever happen to me in my lifetime. Now dont get me wrong, I still am desperate for travel, but that seething itching desire to "leave my options open" and to job and house search in other states (!!! yes i do this) is just gone--poof--like that. interesting how one place can change you. I like it. Ok huge understatement. I feel an enormous peace, comfort and safety here--perhaps the finding the house was the cherry on top, perhaps it is everything. But I have been on a journey, an unforseen and to be honest, unwanted ride for a while now. I keep joking to everyone that I need to get a T-Shirt that reads "Sorry about 2008".....as if that would cover all of the memory loss, friendships not nurtured, actions not well understood, or anything, really.
So many things have come full circle for me and my family, and this time it is different than just "getting my figure back" (ha!) or "Sleeping through the night" (double ha!). We have been through some stuff. I know I will never be the same. What only a year and a half ago was a cozy surprise, another pregnancy, turned into alot.
But here we are, and the sweet baby is as precious as ever. I wanted to write some big poignant thing about her turning 9 months old a couple of days ago, but really, so many others have done such a beautiful job of that, so, yes, 9 months in the belly and 9 months out in the world, seems significant, yet I cant really bring myself to write anything monumental about that. I am not poetic or nostalgic when it comes to much of anything about my pregnancy with Eska, but believe me when i tell you that miss apricotmoonbaby Eskarina Poppy has brought me nothing but joy and none of what I have been through is her fault, she has just sort of been there with us, through it all. Too many changes, time to rest.
I kept saying that I have been "thinking" since November, and I still am. Maybe not the deep meditation that January with a nursing baby and 2 feet of snow can bring, but still in that phase. The children are d-e-c-o-m-p-r-e-s-s-i-n-g, and knowing that this is best for them is why I am a good mother. Flat out. Some of them show it on the outside, some of them seem "fine". But I know it has all been too much, three houses, a baby, a sectioned mama wildly depressed, lets try public school....wow.
So, heres to a fresh new week, it is supposed to be 70 degrees tomorrow and then get cold again, so we will be outside as much as possible, have a great day!
9 comments:
I've been lurking around your blog since before Eska was born. I have no idea why I've never commented. It's just sheer laziness. Anyway, I love reading your blog because a lot of what you say and do is exactly what I would do in the same situation. I'm not really in the same place you are; I don't have kids or anything like that yet. But for some reason I can just so relate to you! I guess it's something in your personality that shines through in your writing. Thanks for giving me an interesting peek into your life, and I'll try stop being a creepy lurker and comment more often.
Very nice! It has been "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" for you and I think that Eska was/is such a teacher/guru child! Mary was/is like that, too. Ben was just saying to Mary last night, before bed, that he has smiled every, single day since she was born just because she's "Mary" and I feel exactly the same way. Through all the other tragedy and loss, changes and misguided attempts to "bring it all home"; Mary ( and Eska ) have been little guides and "grounding" forces in the lives of those they love. Enjoy the warm day today, and tomorrow; I'm right with you. My tulips are coming up! Coffee this week eh?
You and I have mirrored each other so much this year, and I agree that it is so nice to find a fabulous "I could stay here forever" kind of house and let the changes soak in instead of gearing up for more. I've been thinking about the 9 months in - 9 months out thing, too, and though I'm sad that my baby is getting big so fast, I'm so grateful for the time that has passed. You're right in saying the last 18 months have NOT been something that I want to repeat ever, EVER again. I don't think poor Josh could handle it. Great post, once again.
We should talk!
Hi Joy. :) I just wanted to tell you your blog is very informative and I like your perspective as far as if kids don't play with kids of the exact age, look or gender- they are considered strange! Well I am a mom of 3 girls that is soon to be (hopefully) withdrawing my kids from public school...I cannot afford private school, and I refuse to see how much worse public school gets, as far as I DO NOT agree with schools teaching kids sexuality, especially not HOMOSEXUALITY to kids as young as kindergarteners! (they're doing it and even promoting it in CA and CT as well I believe) Also, YES we are Christian and to have my little girl raise her hand in class when the teacher is talking about people worshipping the sun and tell the teacher- "Thats bad"... Well for the teacher to tell her she can't talk about God in school or whatever (She is only in 2nd grade) ...I just think that public school is starting to look to me like...Well, like the government is trying to push its secular, no-moral having, Godless agenda on the kids! And I am frankly quite disgusted with it the more I learn! I am seriously considering taking my kids out (I have a first & second grader and 10mo old) and teaching em from home, maybe finding a homeschoolers group in my area to socialize with (we live near KC,MO)...I have heard that homeschooled kids are smarter, etc but as far as the socializing goes, do you get plenty of opportunity to get your kids with other kids? And do your kids seem to be OK with just hanging together as siblings for most the day? How do you do cooking, cleaning and still manage to teach all those gorgeous kids of yours? Do you make em all sit around the table when you teach, or...? Thanks for listening and GOD BLESS you and those beautiful kids! :)
www.myspace.com/lightning_in_a_bottle
Welcome, Cahleen! I am so amazed that I have readers and lurkers...please do comment more often, it is great to hear from new faces. Thank you for writng and reading.
I am horribly lazy about responding to comments, I read them , smile, feel so grateful, then something happens in the home, and "Im totally gonna write back later" never happens.
Dear anonymous:
I am alwasy happy for new readers, but it looks like you have made some assumtions about me that are way off base.
We are homeschoolers, but thats about where our similarities end it sounds like. I have no interest in homophobia or any kind of right wing agendas, be they religious, intolerant, etc.
Although we are both wanting to keep our children out of the public schools, and to ostensibly provide a superior environment for them as they grow, it sounds like thats where our similarities end. With all due respect, Jesus wanted people to love thy neighbor. Literally MOST of my friends are gay, and I find your comment presumtuous, random, and extremely uncool.
There is a beauty in the universality of all different kinds of people wanting "the best" for their kids. Please consider opening your heart and mind to the entire spectrum of humanity.
and ps i have ONLY heard homophobic folks claim that someone taught sex ed, be it homo or hetero sex stuff to their kindergartener. That is just very hard for me to believe.
I also would like to answer your questions and plan to write a nice new post about our homeschool and how it is right now. In a few days or so. But yes my kids play all day happily and we go in phases as it suits their needs as to table work versus just living and exploring their own interests, life is a blanacing act and homeschool is well suited to that.
Homeschoolers are at a massive social advanage because they can just continue to live out their childhoods in the manner that is natural to them, the way they did in say, preschool, or in the family unit. Boys with girls, littles with bigs, cooperative, respectful, busy, active, not stultified, shamed, segregated, or crushed down by someone else's agenda--be it the media marketing or the teacher or the score-driven teaching that is only for test results money and profits. Homeschooking of any style provides children an honest and free childhood. there is no school on Earth that can do that as well. They have the rest of their lives to take whatever class or course they could ever dream of, and i hope my kids are life learners for life. They see me studying all sorts of things, picking up new skills, following my paths through wanting to get into birthwork and small business ownership (more on that later!) to me learning musical instruments and languages at age 34... But they only get one childhood, and i find more and more that the people who are miffed about my stance on that are the ones who really resent the losses suffered by their own lack of a proper childhood.
I was going to comment on your other post....
....that I think you were given the name Joy for a reason, and I do hope that complete healing and joy will come to you. I'm glad to hear of your joy in your family and friends and Eska and new house.
Joy- You ROCK ( am I too old to use words like that? ). In any case, you are a "Joy" to behold, to all of us. Stay strong, have courage, and soldier on....you're doing great work in the world just by being you. XO
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