I had dinner with Kneelingwoman last night and as always her calm and extremely loving guidance did more for me than a lifetime of "shrinks" ever could! It might amuse you to see my hesitance-verging on skepticism of the idea of a psychologist when that is what I have my degree in! Anyhow, she is a spiritual advisor and boy does the title fit! She gave me a book as a birthday present and it is incredible. Its so easy to get very lost in the sea of self help stuff that I appreciate just being given one plunked into my lap like that! The title is Change your Mind and Your life Will Follow. By Karen Casey. I am not going to say too much about it yet but it certainly is a pleasant and peaceful read, and inspirational and just "feels good".
I am going to start today by being more thoughtful. Although I had a temporary feeling of relief in writing that post about my mistreatment in hospital, I wrote it wildly and blindly and ---yes --even though folks love that side of me---wildness has caused me alot of hurt and regret in my life, too. I am planning on rewriting the post and putting it back up in its original time slot in a few days--if only not to lose all of your wonderfully supportive and heartfelt stories and comments.
I have been contemplative for a while now, like, as a full time vocation ever since fall. So much swirled and twirled in that whole chaos of the new baby and putting the kids in public school, and the settling will take time and I am happy for the reprieve of it all.
My struggles in expressing myself honestly and wholly were part of my discussion last night over dinner, and some small but significant mind set changes are going to help a great deal. I do have FAR too much of my energies set on what others think of me, what others are doing, what others are saying, do they approve? Am I loved today? Will I be loved tomorrow? Is it ok? Is what I am experiencing as happiness actually ok? Its a nightmarish way to live, and the book really gives some great tips on why that is totally not the way to be and to just live and just be and it is very freeing to even read, let alone put into practice. It will take time, and so patience will be something the extremely knee-jerk-Joy will have to learn. (Its funny, because in my mothering, I am patient and thoughtful, I put a great deal of thought into the "big decisions" for my children but also am quick to temper and shout and say "extreme" things....so I wanna get better NOW but it will take time and I think its good for me)
I am excited to follow this wonderful part of my personality "all the way" now--the thing that I used to refer to as optimism, the extremely happy and sweet and kind and innocent and precious part of me, I am going all the way with that now. Its very hard to explain or describe, but I am drawn to certain things that I am now going to persue actively. Perhaps the children will be inspired, but they dont have to be into it with me, and neither does my husband. For me, that is very radical. If they want to, then awesome, but its ok if they dont. Painting and drawing stuff like apples and pears with happy faces on them, making up homemade songs on my electric guitar with no apologies about not knowing the real names of the chords or whatnot, being outside almost every second, being very into birds and trees and no more giving my precious resting time to Comedy Central and ugly negative sitcoms. Do you know how much my worries about being "out of touch" or "a dork" have cost me in terms of sleep? Now, I really couldnt care less! Late night conversations, a great film, reading, writing, sex.....those yes I will lose sleep over. But no more mindless yucky stupid stupid tv. Its so harsh and gross. No more mindless anything!
With that I conclude...and next I will tell you about whats up with the Home School. Its going very wonderfully but nothing like we've ever done before....