Monday, August 20, 2007

Coming home with Charlie Linden

To walk through the front door of our house where our homebirth supplies are still all there, with my newly born son after my C-Section.

Entering a double-exposed photograph,
Straddling the line between past and present
Energies of two very differing plains colliding, mixing a tiny bit, but then seperating
Oil and water
Old and new
Monday to Saturday
a lifetime of difference
The old smells, familiar, welcoming
The hopes, so sweet and sad,
good and right things seeming now silly and laughable

So many unopened little packages
Sterile clamps
3 little hats
3 little hats
Big silver bowl
3 littlehats
Herbal bath
3 little hats
Chux Pads
3 little hats
Power bars
3 little hats
Shower curtain liner
Lavender oil
3 little hats
Fishie Pool
1/2 inflated
3 little hats
Baby gown
Mama gown
3 little hats
3 little hats
Pink onesie
Blue onesie
3 little hats
Barf Bucket
Long garden hose
3 little hats
Body Pillow
3 little hats
Sepia toned
Can barely breathe in here
In a room
with my own ghost
and 3 little hats
It smells like home; interrupted
It smells like me; foolish, weary
It smells like innocence spilled.
Tangible sadness
Queen sized mattress
and 3 little hats
That chapter's closed, yet I am opened
Sliced and ripped and sewn up poorly
Slowly slowly I bend over
and put on your dear little hat.
I open one package
And one package only
and put on your dear little hat.


Leigh said...

Oh can I ever relate. Such powerful words after such a powerful/terrifying experience. Is it surreal to come home, especially after being transported. It it as if both your joy and pain swirl in the air all around. You don't want to move. You want it to stay that way forever, with hopes your homebirth will materialize.
thank you for sharing.

Kelley said...

That was beautiful, and heartrending.

Trish said...


Andrea said...

You broke my heart a little bit here. The little hats and (socks!) always kill me, too.

CNH said...

How your heart must hurt. (((HUGS)))

mama k said...

so sorry. how disappointing and sad. thank you for sharing your heart. ((hugs))

Sometimes it happens though. I hope you can forgive yourself eventually and know that you did the best you could. You and your little one are healthy and safe now and that is the important part. :)

Aimee said...

your words are incredible! they left me with an indescribable feeling of emptiness and joy. you have the power to move. and you use it well.

ps...please fix the link to mama midwife has two "http://"

paz y amor por todo

kris said...

that brought tears to my eyes. you know every time i talk to my sis about regrets that i have about my births and breastfeeding she reminds me that i need to mourn my losses. as a busy mom it took me 7 years to get healing over my 1st and most traumatic surgical birth. you go home with your new baby and most of the time never look back. it wasn't until i was writing a reflective paper in my doula training that it came crashing down on/in me. but it was very healing in the writing. thank you for sharing this with us...

Christine said...

Random reader here. Love your passion. Fellow birth junkie.

You've been tagged. COme check out my blog to get the rules:

mm said...

Can't remember the path that brought me to you tonight... been here before though.
I'm now crying... for all that was planned for and all that has past.
I am at a loss for words...
fellow mom with
1 c/s
1 m/c
2 hbacs

sashanova said...

this is really beautiful, brought tears to my eyes...