Ill let one little one leak out...

I dont usually discuss names, after the first pregnancy, you realize pretty quickly that people will laugh and scoff at your choices, leaving you feeling super shocked and embarrassed--then you name your kid the name anyways and they love it, maybe because it is "too late" or maybe because discussing the name of someones belly-lump is completely weird and too abstract for manners to always apply or who knows what. anyhow by the second baby you learn to hang your head in faux-modesty and mumble some shit about how you dont really have any names picked yet...even though you have written Roberto Andrew Henderson, Andrew Roberto Henderson, Bradley Buxton Henderson and the like on every scrap on paper you can get your swollen hands on since you peed on the stick, and the books in your bathroom are "cool Baby Names", "10, 000 unique names for baby", "Creative baby names for the 21st century" and you have favorited 15 web searches with Baby Names by Country of Origin...you hang your head and look at your hands and say, "oh, we arent sure yet..."

But im comin out with one that has nabbed me.

I need someone to talk me out of Anakin. Like as a middle name, even. I am not even a big star wars fan, seriously. I dont even like StarWars, it is boring to me. But what a flippin darling name. I love the name Annika and I love all the "N" ending sounding names, so man o man.

Maybe as a middle name?

Week 15: How am I feeling? Ask me in 15 minutes.

I am listless.
I am energetic.
I am huge and fat.
I dont look pregnant.
I look 7 months pregnant. Well at least my butt does.
I feel sick.
I feel beaming with health.
I feel dizzy and confused.
I feel strong and decisive.
I am starving.
I have no appetite.
I feel patient and loving.
I am pissed off almost constantly.
I feel ecstatic.
I feel depressed.
I cant sleep.
I am so tired.
I look like a manbearpig.
I look super cute lately.
I cant stop thinking about being pregnant.
I dont feel pregnant.
I am thirsty.
All drinks sound gross to me.
My clothes are all too small.
My new maternity clothes are kinda too big (but way better!!)
I want to enjoy this whole "lovely 2nd Trimester" thing becasue I never have had this before.
I want something to happen and am having trouble just enjoying the calm.

Shwoo shwoo shwoo shwoo..the best sound on Earth

So, I am really pregnant-- We heard the heartbeat Tuesday night on the doppler, ("dangerous" waves be damned! I begged for that thing and it the sound I heard made my face crack in half from smiling) 140 bpms, hip hip hooray! theres a person in my belly! W E I R D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It never ceases to seem rediculous until the babies are rocking and rolling and kicking madly. Then it still seems ridiculous but much more believable. Is it just me?

So, yes, Tuesday night my dear midwife came over for our prenatal 3 hour hang out/cookie chowing laughing and story swapping fest. It was great. She brought me a pregnancy journal, something I never did or had before, and she took my blood pressure ,(nice and low) pulse, measured my fundus (right on track or a little above, my typical pattern with the other babies) and then as she was saying we could try to get some heartones with the fetoscope I was like bust out the doppler please! And so we got to hear the Shwoo Shwoo Shwoo Shwoo--does anyone ever get tired or blase hearing that sound? Chills upon chills upon pride.

I told her I am quite sure I am anemic and I am awaiting results from my blood work I am getting through my family doctor. I wanted a work-up of labs and we both agreed it would be good to see where Im at, especially since my hemoglobin was 4.8 after I had Charlie and I never got back in to see the doctor to "follow up" (whoops 25 months later). But I am feeling anemic and have the symptoms, too. I am going to start a pill form of Floradix+Iron, which sounds much better than the liquid greens which I might hork back up ;)

What else can I tell you all? I dont know. I am feeling bushed and weary and wary from all of the stuff that has been going on on my midwife's blog, and feel like I dont really want to talk about birth per se today. I never meant to get so polarized about UC and such because there is no way to please everyone and to not insult people and I dont have the energy for it right now. I dont know if it is the presumed anemia or the long hours at work, but I feel like I am barely "here" mentally and just cant seem to pump out the sharp and clear words that I think I used to.

Soon I hope.

I also might get a bottle of Motherwort in the house. I have been unstable to put it nicely. I am dreading Christmas because I am going to cry for everything both happy and stressful and I feel pretty certain that there are going to be alot of visits with alot of people who will be putting me and my family under the extra-strength microscope (not only homeschoolers, but Good Lordie, pregnant again!) at a time when I can barely picture just getting us all dressed and into the car, let alone being some beacon or representation of the perfectly adjusted whatever family. Caseys gonna be sassy, Mickeys gonna be eye-rolly and sighing, Gretas gonna be edgey and snappish, Charlies gonna want to nurse, and I feel like everyone is gonna take one look at my sweaty, acne encrusted whitish grey face and think "those poor freaks I feel so sorry for them/they suck/theyre horrible" and there isnt anything I can do about it and it is paralyzing me with amotivational syndrome, a.k.a. laying on the couch with quilts and cocoa and TiVo'ed Rudolph and Frosty and Grinch all day and night. I hope Im wrong, but no matter what, I am too tired to do anything about it! Paranoia. Its the pits. You never know if its real or not.

I would like to end on a different note so I will just say that I really do believe that a true little dear baby is inside of me now and really, who could ever be sad about anything knowing that?

Love you all,

MamaJoy

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Why can't women who have a cohesive and determined plan to "just give birth" be able to achieve that ?

What are all the women who truly, truly can't afford a $2000-$4000 midwife really supposed to do?

What are the women who really, truly cannot find a midwife supposed to do?

It is impossible to just go to the hospital and say "I am in heavy labor, please let me push this child out on your turf. Do not touch me. I will not lay on the little bed. I refuse the velcros, pins, inserts and cuffs. UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH Wahh wahh wahh cool its a girl!"

Why is it legal for giving birth in safety and dignity to be illegal?

What are these women suppossed to do?

What happens to the sweet, well intentioned Doulas when they try to wrestle the doctor sand nurses away from the laboring mom? Is that their job?

Such a battle. It sickens me. there are pregnant women right now, in their homes, at their jobs, who have absolutely no ides what in the hell they are gonna do, where they are gonna go, who is their enemy, who will hurt them, who will protect them, which way is up, and their family and friends and spouse and lover all think she is crazy for wanting a good birth and so all she has, if she is lucky, are web searches about "birth stories" and "birth photos" and "find a midwife" and thats about it.

Scared, angry, resentful, hopeless, they read and they read and they cry and they cry. And the baby grows bigger and the time grows shorter and the energy runs lower and the hope gets fainter and the giving up looks easier and the fire grows dimmer and the baby grows bigger and bigger and bigger.

13 weeks

Well, I am 13 weeks today, the beginning of the 2nd trimester! Woohoo! I have run out of my vitamins and can feel it. I am going to buy some tonight on the way to work. I feel really spacey and tired and junky--is the best way to describe it. I feel like I need vegetable stew but had gummi bears instead, if that makes any sense. I take Rainbow Lite One a Day and would never take anything else. they are made out of food and they are magic.

I want to feel the baby move and I know that wont happen for a little while yet. I am getting anxious for my first prenatal this upcoming week and to MAYBE hear a heartbeat!

I have a little wishlist of maternity clothes I want for Christmas and am looking forward to not looking like such an idiot in my regular clothes and to having some nice long shirts and maybe a few little jumpery dresses. I have a few things in my "cart" on Old Navy dot com that I hope look as cool as they do in the picture :)

I wish I had some big deep thought to share but today I am just a cold sleepy hungry girl who doesn't want to go to work tonight, whose clothes do not fit, and who doesn't know quite what sounds good. I guess hours in a jacuzzi, unlimited middle eastern food, and a week to myself to doze and read and float around in the hot water. That and some vitamins and the interesting posts might return ;)

G'day!

Ridiculous

http://www.thecowgoddess.com/?p=802

Such insanity! The things I have seen on YouTube...shootings, sex acts, nasty skits, far right-wing politicians talking...but no nursing babies.

Guess which celebrity is pregnant again now? Sheesh, these breeders!

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, it is true folks, I am preg-er-iffic and feeling really relatively good! I have been DYING to blog about this but couldn't until I told everyone, and now I have and so there you have it!

Ok, some stats:

I am "due" in mid to late June, so I am picturing maybe July?

I am feeling awesome, (for me). For most women, I am sure this is normal amount of morning sickness, but for me, this is like the most unbelievable thing ever. I have not barfed one time! Man, have I come close-- and I could puke at any time. I could right now! but I just don't.

I eat all day. 'Round the clock. I pack in the protein like you wouldn't even believe, and it is working. I eat and I eat and I eat and if I don't, then there is about a 2 minute window in which to get me some food that sounds good or else....panic, tears, sweats, dizziness, inconsolable weeping and despair, gagging goose noises, and eventually, puking. But I just do not let it happen. I eat in the night, too--sometimes my husband brings it to me and sometimes I have it right by my bedside.

I was pregnant on my big trip to Rixa's and yes it was hard.

I have been really tired but the past 2 weeks that has let up, alot. Its like this just unbelievable miracle--something I just never pictured could happen to me, you know? After 4 pregnancies ALL with trips to the hospital for IV fluids and Phenergan suppositories (sexy, right) and little xeroxes about "Hyperemesis Gravidarum" for the ole' scrapbooks, I just felt quite sure that I was a Puker. And I am. But now I have it under control, somehow.

So what else can I tell you? It has been V E R Y hard being a bartender until midnight. I do not get enough sleep. I do not want to be there that late. I do not like some of the things I have to do at work. BUT.........it has also kind of saved my life. You see, I have been a stay-at-home-mom for 10 1/2 years. I have had a few jobs here and there, and I provided daycare in my home for 3 years, but I have not had a real steady job like this in a long time, and it is cool! I have to get it together when I do not want to. I have to have a real outfit and makeup and a smile--and that is AWESOME. It has scraped me off of the couch, out of my pajamas, and gotten some lipstick and blush across this grey, grey face 3 night a week, for weeks now, and it is GOOD for me.

Do I wish it only went until 10 pm and not midnight? Of course. Do I wish I could see my husband more? Of course. But it only goes until late March and by then I will probably be slowing down alot more and need to be at home.

Its funny, because when I found out I was expecting, the ONLY thing I was worried about was "Oh no! My new job! no no no no no!" Because, you see, my ONLY experience of first trimester ever, ever was me falling asleep in my dinner plate, and non stop vomiting or standing in the bathroom with tears running down my face, waiting to vomit. So obviously I assumed this would be the same deal and how could I tend the bar when I was in the bathroom sleeping or whatnot? I was SO worried. But I just brought in all sorts of granola and cheese and sandwiches and my friend brings me all these scrumptious hot meals when he is there, and I sip on Vernors and lemon water and....I don't throw up! I smile and talk and go home and jump in bed, usually with my work clothes still on.

I never find out what I am having, as far as a boy or a girl, so I wont this time, either. I would like a girl, but cannot even picture having one, so we will leave it at an assumed boy again :)

I am assisting/apprenticing with my old Midwife, as I told you all earlier, and I told her I was pregnant a few weeks ago and she was thrilled and wonderful. She knows what I have been through postpartum in my past and is 100% on board with that not happening again. We are going to have my first prenatal this week sometime. She comes to your house for prenatals, birth, postpartum and everything-- isn't that the most wonderful thing you have ever heard of? I am so honored proud and feel so right about working with her forever.

What else can I tell you? I don't know. I am excited! I am getting quite fatter, and am totally ok with the fact that it is most likely all Maternal Fat Stores from my 24-7 chowing. When I lay on my back you can tell where the actual baby bump is, and that is really cool. (When I stand up I look like maybe I love beer and pizza a little too much, and I have put away many many pants, shirts, and skirts for 2009.)

Its all exciting, even the annoying stuff-- and mostly I am just so glad that I finally told everyone that I needed to tell so I can BLOG with total freedom now.

xoxoxo

Joy

Anniversary of new blogs

It was a little less than a year ago that I started this and my other three blogs. Here are my first entries in January 2007.

You see, I had a little blog that was supposed to be about my homeschooling adventures. I wrote funny little blurbs in it about the places we went and posted pictures from our days. But I had more to my life than just homeschooling of course, and so I would slip in little things about wanting to color my hair pink, my feelings about marriage, equality in homemaking, extended and tandem breastfeeding, and most radically, my thoughts on birth, most specifically, how bad hospital birth can be and how urgent of a problem the state of maternity care in this country truly was.

These posts were not being super well received, and I was feeling alot of silent frustration in my life. My handful of friends already knew I had a baby at home, and kinda knew that my c-sections hurt me. My handful of family, well, they have some strong opinions about the things I believe in, and there was a strong urging to write about the trips to the library and perhaps lay off the other stuff.

Trouble was, the "other stuff" was the stuff that I desperately needed and wanted to explore. My husband had heard it all, and was 100% on board with me. But I needed so much more. I needed to preach on, and on, (and on) and discuss and vent and work through and I got the idea to make another blog that was just about birth stuff. But then, where could I write about my guitar and my hair and where would I write about being a fulltime homemaker and where do I put recipes or bitch about the price of groceries, etc? Thus the 4 blogs were born.
Homeschool Is Love
Breast and Belly
Hearth and Home
Everything Joy

This was a fun thing that I did for months without too many hits beyond my friends, but I didn't care. I knew someday I would get some kind of good break and once I figured out that all the comments I was leaving all over the blogosphere had a lit-up-linky thing to me and my blogs, the comments came in, slowly. Erratically. But then, SageFemme not only wrote on my blog but did a whole post about something I wrote, and BAM! I was getting comments, steady, everytime I wrote! I told myself I wouldn't change a thing, but I did catch notice of the very wonderful "ABC check" button, which helped this manic Mama to realize just how many typos can come when you are a hyper passionate writer-girl with a toddler on your lap. Embarrassing. Whatever.

Now the blogs are everything to me. Each person that writes just humbles me and blows me away and drives me on to write more.

This October, I started 2 new jobs which have me gone from 5:30 pm to 12:30 am Monday Wednesday and Friday nights, and all day Saturday. Wow. When do I write now? It has been hard to find the time. For example, it is 12:30 pm right now and the kids are watching TV, we haven't had lunch, I am not dressed...I know it is all "ok" but it is not my number one ideal way to run things.

I have lots and lots and lots more to say as always and I hope that my slowing down does not lose me any readers. Thanks to everyone for participating, I never ever wanted my blog to be a one-sided soapbox type of deal, so for me, the posts that get the (unbelievable) 20+ comments are always the best ones, to see all these different people sounding off of each other and adding and discussing is really what I care most about.

Thank you for being a big part of 2007 being a life changing time for me. i love you all so much.

Isn't this adorable?

Underqualified, underconfident, or just tired today

So today I was wondering (and wrote an email to my midwife whom I will be apprenticing under) if maybe getting a certified Lactation Consultant degree would be something useful or valuable to my future clients. I found this online and have to admit I was surprised at how extensive this is. I remember the CLC's in the hospitals being not very useful, and certainly none of them seemed like they were nursing moms, if that makes any sense. Sure, they prattled on about perfect latch, but they were completely stumped and defensive and even accusatory when Charlie wouldn't nurse at all for his first 3 days. It took my own dear family doctor, who came in totally as a surprise to teach me about cup-feeding and spent several hours with me trying to figure out what exactly Charlie's deal was.

So I don't know. Do any of you have any advice? Is this just another field where good old wise-woman stuff has been medicalized and quantified and "Scientified" where perhaps just years of experience and reading excellent books would serve just as well if not better?

I guess maybe I am feeling sort of shy and "unqualified" to come into anyone's home as a midwife's assistant and being introduced as "This is my partner, Joy. She is nobody and has no qualifications." OF COURSE this would never really be how it went down, but still......For the first time in a long time, I feel like I wish I had some fancy Initials after my name besides an eleven year old bachelors degree.

I am really really tired this morning. Charlie was playing "I'm 3 months old" last night and I got in from the bartending gig at 12:45 am. Maybe all I am really doing here is shamelessly hoping someone will write me something corny about my M.O.M. degree and I will be forever grateful!

Gonna go make some hot tea....