This whole post will be offensive to some people, and might sound to others like self-hate, or something at the very least insensitive, un p.c., I dunno, let me just say that I know, I know....so all that being said, lets talk about overweight pregnancy. I am coming out and saying that I am definitely overweight, according to the charts I am "morbidly obese", (have been even when I was a thin and athletic size 12/14 on my wedding day, but Ill gripe about those charts another day...) BUT, and there is always the very real chance that I am completely deluding myself, big time, but even at this size, a six foot one 18, I still don't think most people would describe me as "You, know, that big lady, you know, the fat lady, real heavy-set, shiney eyes"
I attribute this to the fact that I dress and carry myself more like a skater boi than Marge at the office, (and BELIEVE ME, put me in a rose print silky blouse thingy and polyester slacks and Marge would appear, immediately) so really, what am I babbling about? Oh yeah, overweight pregnancy and my body issues, real and imagined, etc. My blog, my spacecadette brain, my option to just ramble sometimes, right?
Ok. So, I ALWAYS ALWAYS was deeply disturbed and dreadful of being so overweight that I would be one of "those people" who didn't look pregnant. You know in your heart exactly what I am talking about. the big BIG B_I_G ladies who would walk around making great effort to rub and pat and smile and pat and rub their flat abdominal regions.....oh to be so heavy that I didn't look pregnant, that just freaked me out my whole life. but for me, the exact opposite has been my experience. I look huge almost immediately, about 5 months pregnant, and then just stay that way until I am about 6 or 7 months and then get even bigger. I always figured the actual baby and water and placenta and the whole thing was just pushing out what fat I already had, making me "show" earlier--does this make any sense? I also hate the feeling of "Still fitting into such and such jeans", it just feels awful to squash into stuff when i am pregnant, even a few weeks pregnant---yuck. So I never really did that, I poretty much peed on the stick and then went and put all the good looking pants away, and busted out the pajama-ish ones until the time came when I could fill those pouch-sack-tummy ones and then I wear those.
Now I am well into all my maternity clothes, and I look nice and round if I want to. But I know that my fundal height is only just now to my belly button, and that the big round egg appearance when I go sideways in the mirror and DON'T suck it in is mostly all blubber. does it matter? Is it weird? My abs have been severed by 2 c sections in 5 years and basically do not exist, so the mere hint of sucking anything in causes shooting pains in my entire back...Ill definitely want to work on that next year, I am picturing Yoga and maybe some water aerobic type stuff?
So I am getting really fat. And I care, and I don't, you know? I know that this always happens, I have had a really good sense of how this all goes for me and I have been laughing with Steve in a very good natured way about my otherworldly arms and chins and how random my feet look, being not fat at all, stuck to these strange hock-legs. My eating has calmed down ALOT, no more constant 24-7 chowing , no begging and actually crying for EGGS! PIZZA! CHEESE STICKS! PEANUT BUTTER TOAST! at 2, 4 and 6 am....I pretty much eat when the family eats now, except if they are having a relatively unhealthy thing like potato chips I will have tabbouleh, or if they are having pop I will have lemon water, etc. I do not do any sweets in the morning, so no cereal or pancakes for Mama, I eat alot of eggs and sometimes just go straight to a meal-meal like leftover spaghetti and baked potato or fish or hummous....I can do that now, with the nausea way under control---SO nice.
I would like to be in shape and I would like to feel flexible and strong, but it is hard. I dont want my entire leg to be encased in cellulite, but it is, you know? I'll wear pants. I don't know how much I can actually accomplish with my lifestyle and my schedule but when I say all that I feel like these are excuses. I try to do leg lifts and squats and stuff at work, but I do not excersize, per se. It has been near zero degrees for weeks, so we don't even hardly go anywhere for me to "walk", and my dreams of the water aerobics class are gone since I work Monday Wednesday and Friday nights and Steve works late Thursday night. IS there really a chance of me getting out with 4 kids in the dead of winter (and thats even IF I have the car that day, which involves me and the kids driving Daddy to work before 7 am in the dark/cold) and exercising somehow somewhere? I don't see it happening. Any advice? Ill walk in the spring but it is never enough to actually do anything. How much do these people walk to actually lose weight? A hundred miles? Screw that. I guess way after the baby is born I can worry about it, or not.
Tonight I bought a VCR off of Craig's' list for the sum of 10 dollars--and you know why? To retry my old Pregnancy Yoga tape. If I cant be smaller, I would definitely like to be stronger and peacefuller and more flexy. Well, that's enough about the ole bod. Gonna go enjoy the rest of my only night off with my darlin'. Goodnight!