Tuesday, January 22, 2008

This entire post is probably all horrible to say.

This whole post will be offensive to some people, and might sound to others like self-hate, or something at the very least insensitive, un p.c., I dunno, let me just say that I know, I know....so all that being said, lets talk about overweight pregnancy. I am coming out and saying that I am definitely overweight, according to the charts I am "morbidly obese", (have been even when I was a thin and athletic size 12/14 on my wedding day, but Ill gripe about those charts another day...) BUT, and there is always the very real chance that I am completely deluding myself, big time, but even at this size, a six foot one 18, I still don't think most people would describe me as "You, know, that big lady, you know, the fat lady, real heavy-set, shiney eyes"

I attribute this to the fact that I dress and carry myself more like a skater boi than Marge at the office, (and BELIEVE ME, put me in a rose print silky blouse thingy and polyester slacks and Marge would appear, immediately) so really, what am I babbling about? Oh yeah, overweight pregnancy and my body issues, real and imagined, etc. My blog, my spacecadette brain, my option to just ramble sometimes, right?

Ok. So, I ALWAYS ALWAYS was deeply disturbed and dreadful of being so overweight that I would be one of "those people" who didn't look pregnant. You know in your heart exactly what I am talking about. the big BIG B_I_G ladies who would walk around making great effort to rub and pat and smile and pat and rub their flat abdominal regions.....oh to be so heavy that I didn't look pregnant, that just freaked me out my whole life. but for me, the exact opposite has been my experience. I look huge almost immediately, about 5 months pregnant, and then just stay that way until I am about 6 or 7 months and then get even bigger. I always figured the actual baby and water and placenta and the whole thing was just pushing out what fat I already had, making me "show" earlier--does this make any sense? I also hate the feeling of "Still fitting into such and such jeans", it just feels awful to squash into stuff when i am pregnant, even a few weeks pregnant---yuck. So I never really did that, I poretty much peed on the stick and then went and put all the good looking pants away, and busted out the pajama-ish ones until the time came when I could fill those pouch-sack-tummy ones and then I wear those.

Now I am well into all my maternity clothes, and I look nice and round if I want to. But I know that my fundal height is only just now to my belly button, and that the big round egg appearance when I go sideways in the mirror and DON'T suck it in is mostly all blubber. does it matter? Is it weird? My abs have been severed by 2 c sections in 5 years and basically do not exist, so the mere hint of sucking anything in causes shooting pains in my entire back...Ill definitely want to work on that next year, I am picturing Yoga and maybe some water aerobic type stuff?

So I am getting really fat. And I care, and I don't, you know? I know that this always happens, I have had a really good sense of how this all goes for me and I have been laughing with Steve in a very good natured way about my otherworldly arms and chins and how random my feet look, being not fat at all, stuck to these strange hock-legs. My eating has calmed down ALOT, no more constant 24-7 chowing , no begging and actually crying for EGGS! PIZZA! CHEESE STICKS! PEANUT BUTTER TOAST! at 2, 4 and 6 am....I pretty much eat when the family eats now, except if they are having a relatively unhealthy thing like potato chips I will have tabbouleh, or if they are having pop I will have lemon water, etc. I do not do any sweets in the morning, so no cereal or pancakes for Mama, I eat alot of eggs and sometimes just go straight to a meal-meal like leftover spaghetti and baked potato or fish or hummous....I can do that now, with the nausea way under control---SO nice.

I would like to be in shape and I would like to feel flexible and strong, but it is hard. I dont want my entire leg to be encased in cellulite, but it is, you know? I'll wear pants. I don't know how much I can actually accomplish with my lifestyle and my schedule but when I say all that I feel like these are excuses. I try to do leg lifts and squats and stuff at work, but I do not excersize, per se. It has been near zero degrees for weeks, so we don't even hardly go anywhere for me to "walk", and my dreams of the water aerobics class are gone since I work Monday Wednesday and Friday nights and Steve works late Thursday night. IS there really a chance of me getting out with 4 kids in the dead of winter (and thats even IF I have the car that day, which involves me and the kids driving Daddy to work before 7 am in the dark/cold) and exercising somehow somewhere? I don't see it happening. Any advice? Ill walk in the spring but it is never enough to actually do anything. How much do these people walk to actually lose weight? A hundred miles? Screw that. I guess way after the baby is born I can worry about it, or not.

Tonight I bought a VCR off of Craig's' list for the sum of 10 dollars--and you know why? To retry my old Pregnancy Yoga tape. If I cant be smaller, I would definitely like to be stronger and peacefuller and more flexy. Well, that's enough about the ole bod. Gonna go enjoy the rest of my only night off with my darlin'. Goodnight!


Anonymous said...

Lemme just say I feel your pain.
And that I've learned that no matter what your size, you (we, us) always complain. LOL.
I'm a small girl but I get nice and cushy and cellulit-y and swollen in pregnancy. And like you, I love it ("awwww, expanding for baby") and hate it ("my thighs rub and look like pasty, raw slabs of fatty chicken"!).
Body image is so effing rough. Truly.
And so, I honor you in this process, this difficult process of embracing and loving your body while continuing to stare aghast at it every day. LOL.
For the record, you are totally cute. And yes, your eyes shine. :)
PS and "F" exercise! I hate it!

Jill said...

You are "morbidly obese?" Really? If you're 6 foot 1 then you are a freakin' Amazon woman and that's where this "overweightness" comes from, not from being a size 18 (which isn't really that big, only slightly bigger than the average woman if I remember correctly).

Don't beat yourself up so much, sweetness. I don't see a fatty when I look at your picture (and believe me, I am VERY un-PC myself when it comes to fat people, it's horrible of me). If you wanna do yoga and walk a lot (I walked a mile to work and a mile back every day during my first pregnancy and stayed really fit this way, plus I swam a lot), then that's cool. But don't go crazy just because some bullshit chart tells you you're fat.

CNH said...

I turn on the music and DANCE with the kids. I dunno if it's doing me any good, but it makes me sweat (and LAUGH) and the kiddos have a blast. First they look at me like I'm crazy but then they join in. I also have a prenatal yoga DVD, but that's mostly for my back and hips and the horrid pain there.

When I found out it was twins, I knew immediately I was going to have to let my body image go. Dude, I have to eat 175 grams of protein a day. No way am I getting out of this looking cute and skinny. I'm only 5 foot 4! All that baby has to go somewhere and it's sort of freaking me out how fast my stomach is expanding, fat and all. I have to say though, it is sort of nice to have skipped (or passed through so fast I barely noticed) the 'in-between stage" that you speak of. Hate that stage! Even skinny girls go through it, though.

Your body is an amazing temple of child! It's forming a whole human out of what? Nothing but two single cells that decided to go crazy and divide rapidly. You (and I) can worry about our residual fat when the baby(ies) get here!

Judit said...

Are you kidding me with that title?? This post is awesome. It's real. If I were as gutsy as you are, I'd have written about much of the same stuff on my blog! In fact, I'm totally relieved just reading this (particulars aside) it's such a good expression of my own feelings. Thank you! We all go through this. The ambivalence we feel is not necessarily in direct proportion to dress size or bodyweight in pounds...

By about 7 months pg, I just had no abdominal muscle tone no matter what I did. Whoosh! all of a sudden it was all gone, even though I was doing (and enjoying) yoga until a few weeks before. Now 9 months postpartum, 60 lbs over prepreggo weight, I'm finally able to find time for my postnatal exercise DVD. I'm now doing what they tell you to start 6 weeks postpartum, for cryin' out loud! How was I going to do that then??? My pelvic and abdominal strength still leaves much much to be desired...

I did get mopey over all this every now and then, but like you, I was having too much fun being pregnant and babying my baby most of the time. And my baby isn't such a teeny baby any more, a year of being out of shape was also a year of the sweetest cuddles that I already miss so badly. But you know all that.

Keep on shining, girl!

Peggy said...

Someday, when I get a house of my very own, I'm going to put a BIG indoor climbing wall in it somewhere.

We are cooped up because of the low temps too. I started doing Pilates again, but that doesn't really help with the cabin fever, because now I feel much more fit and eager to get outside and MOVE.

Housefairy said...

thanks everyone!!!!!!!!!
I was getting to a place where I felt like every blog post had to be some all encomapssing all pleasing pc essay and then frankly i didnt want to blog anymore. I WANT to talk about everything that comes to mind, and these larduous legs are whats comin to mind! I only dreamed that cool awesome chickies such as yourselves would laugh and nod along with me---too cool!

I ask myself what am i "afraid of" when it comes to blogging, and you know, it is not negative comments, I have only gotten a couple ever and they were really envigorating, swear to god--it is the fear of being completely misunderstood, and that is my own "stuff" from growing up that really noone can do much about.

Love to all....enjoying the cold if only for the forgiving clothing...;P


emjaybee said...

During my labor I made my doula and husband laugh because I looked down at my legs and said mournfully "I MISS my ANKLES." Because I really have very nice ankles, but by month 7, they were little fat bracelets. Horrible.

I miss my preggo belly, that big round thing, sometimes. But nothing else..the flabby limbs, the ginormous chest, the puffy chins...nah, who wants that?

My feet are still readjusting 2 years later...they went back down a size, but are now wider than normal, but not wide enough for "wide" shoes. Argh.

And yeah...I'm stil fat. And If I got pregnant again, I'd feel bad about it because it's ok to be thin and become preggo, but not to already be fat and then preggo too, stuck into a high risk group and lectured about ice cream (as though that makes any difference now). So I want to lose weight, but I have issues, and I'm getting older, and it's all a big ball of yuck.

You are SO not alone.

Kelley said...

No, sister, you are NOT alone. It's weird for me to say this because last week I was lamenting how long I'd been in that awful in between "is she fat or is she pregnant?" stage. Then on Thursday afternoon (I kid you not) this belly popped out and I started to put on weight like crazy. I mean, it's one thing when I feel like I'm slowly getting bigger, but for pete's sake, my stomach muscles hurt right now from being pushed out so fast. And what's with this enormous weight gain in like 3 Days!?!? You are so not alone. Like you, I'm thrilled to be pregnant, but I'm not so thrilled at seeing 3 years of work and sweat and cute jeans go down the drain this quickly. Arrgghhh! I mean, I knew it was coming, but now that it's here, I'm not so sure about all this. But then I feel guilty that I'm stressing about looks and weight when I should be focusing on being healthy for my baby. Whatever! All I want right now are tropical-flavored Mike and Ike's. Sugar, sugar and more sugar. I know I shouldn't, but tell that to my taste buds. Arggghh! I did make some of Rixa's yummy granola tonight, so hopefully that will curb the munchies that hit all the time. We'll see.

Thank you so much for the this post. I really want to complain on my blog, and maybe I will now. Now that I have a partner in crime. :)

Kelley said...

BY the way, go take a look at my blog. My dad sent me the funniest email that I saved and uploaded onto it. I think you'll die laughing. I did. Maybe that's why my stomach hurts so much right now. :)

Judit said...

Kelley!!! ditto this:
"I'm not so thrilled at seeing 3 years of work and sweat and cute jeans go down the drain this quickly" and this:
"I knew it was coming, but now that it's here, I'm not so sure about all this. But then I feel guilty that I'm stressing about looks and weight..." me too! precisely!
This has been ME for the past YEAR. Lately though, I've been feeling like I'm turning the corner to a new, more self-centered phase again yay :)

Anonymous said...

Get a jogger. You know those little round trampolines about a yard across? Just jump or jog in place on the thing. My mom does that for aerobic work now. Any sporting goods store will have one. I know exactly what you mean about walking being worthless exercise. Same problem. On the upside it must mean you're in good cardiovascular shape.

Housefairy said...

I really dont feel like "jumping" right now, I am 5 months pregnant.

Maybe someday if I get a major breast reduction (like from 36H to maybe 36B?) you'd find me on a trampoline, but really since I was about 15 I was done with jumping up and down :(

Agatha said...

This is a really interesting post... I'm learning a lot about obesity in pregnancy at the moment, & have a personal interest after trapping a nerve in my spine helping to move a woman with a BMI of 55.

At the moment I find it harder to care for larger women, difficult to palpate, poorer outcomes in labour, more intervention - that's what i've experienced, so far.