Sunday, May 11, 2008

35 1/2 weeks and what I am looking forward to

We have had no internet for almost 2 weeks. Our computer died, fizz-boom-dead! But my husband fixed it, somehow, slowly, for free. He is awesome! I am back.

So, my dear freinds, how I wish to give sunny and poetic tidings to you all, on this, the week that I turn "Nine Months"--but I really dont know if I am that kind of person, I am sad and honest to admit. I love my baby, perhaps more fully than I have ever loved any not yet born baby, but alot of really ugly, ironic, sad and very unexpected shit has occurred in the last month, some emotional, lots physical, which, in combination with my pain and frustration in these last weeks has really really left me unable to write things about feeling like a ripe and glorious peach, or composing little sonnets to the sweet baby who dances under my heart--I am sorry. I LOVe that stuff, I love to read it, I love pregnant women who can write it, but I know there is a place here in blog world and Real World for sadness and fear and disappointment in our bodies and the day to day drudgery of waddling from couch to bathroom to couch to bathroom, each step grinding our separated pubic bones against each other, gasps as the little knives that poke poke poke us in the cervixes, as the reality sets in that today is another really, really pathetic day for our other children, and that it will be long and it will be pain-filled and that no one really gets it and that there isnt anything anyone can do about it and that all there is coming up is WAY more pain in the form of trying to birth vaginally over what feels like broken bones, or having another cesarean. @#$%$#@ Can I get an epidural now, just for fun? A spinal? A fricking Vicodin? A milkshake, not sugar free?

What a depressing mother! Arent I happy for my baby? Arent I looking forward to the orgasmic birth? Wont it be AWESOME? Dont I love being full of child? Isnt it all so beautiful? Isnt grinding bruised constant pain so fantabulous? Isnt it magical hoping your kids dont run into the street because you cant catch them anyways if they did? Isnt it glorious being so thirsty for a tasty drink but only being able to have DISGUSTING diet pop or water? Isnt throwing up every morning again so wistful? (This started again last week. Yay)

Look, how can my life, my truth, my reality not count as much as the golden poem mamas? Why do I want to not even publish this post? Maybe because as much as it is Hip and Righteous and Kick Ass for books about this stuff to come out, i have real people in my real life who completely freak out when I get honest. Always have. BUT HELLO This is motherhood, too, because I am a mother! A mother with dislocated bones and diabetes and anemia and exhauation and 4 kids who think I am Satan---this is what is going on right now. You clicked the link to see what was going on with me and this is it. If you want glossy lies, go pick up a copy of some schlocky magazine or go watch some idiots on television measure each other's stomachs with toilet paper.

Anyhow, I look forward. I look forward and this is what I look forward to.
This is what will be Awesome. Glorious. Golden. For me. My children. My family.
Seeing my baby angel doll girl. Holding her. Kissing her. Staring at her all day all night all day all night for months and months and months of co sleeping and nursey nursey nursey land. Walking. Breathing. Eating great heaps of luscious foods, pastas with fancy cheeses and fresh from the garden spinach and deeply colored soups and crusty breads and fruity icey smoothies and watermelon and strawberries with no heartburn, no protein counting, and please god please, no bleeding my fingertips onto a glucometer every 2 hours. I am looking forward to being nice again, kind and loving to my other precious children, and enjoying mamahood as a whole and sane person, a person who is not crippled or confused or haunted or worried about how I will survive the day, the week, the birth, the postpartum. A Mom with five kids. 2 bigs, 2 littles, and a baby. A real live working breathing walking talking HUMAN. It is so hard to imagine right now, but thank God I have done this before and I do remember, I do.

I am looking forward to being strong and providing milk and kisses and laughs, mac and cheese and bandaids, lifting the boys in and out of their high chairs, shaving my legs, doing my toes, did I mention walking? Oh, the walks in that kick-ass shiney new red double stroller that I so coveted and finally got, oh to walk walk walk with my babies, eat and walk and breathe. A Mother of five. I am so ridiculously blessed, but I dont feel like it right now. I look forward to that appreciation replacing this misery, to the poetry coming back to me, to rebecoming Me. To many women, newborn time is anything but--but for me it was always alwasy better than pregnancy. Always. Exponentially. My boobs already hurt and I dont sleep now anyways...

I really do know that these plans and dreams might not sound like anything remotely close to life-with-a-new-baby. You might think of overwhelming exhaustion, sore breasts, incisions and stiches and endless bleeding, loss of self, loss of time, feeling like you went from being a full ripe Queen to a drained and droopy dishrag, from being the center of attention as the Pregnant Mama to being a lowly cow, alone and aching. But for me, as much as I get that whole thing, and as much as I truly will devote my life to women in these situations someday, that is not what it is like for me, to have a baby. Never has been. Not a single one of these FIVE pregnancies has been like that for me, and I can really only write about my own experiences, as different or odd as they might be from the average, the norm, the whatever. Pregnancy has never been a time of Special Joy Pedicures and Artsy photographs of my belly with a single rose, nor have my newborn days been necessarily hell. This is my truth, this is my life, and here are the times when I "shine" and here are the times when I so, so, do not. I dont sleep now, but to be not pregnant and holding my little dear baby--oh I am so looking forward to it, and really, believe me, not in the regular wistful way, but like I do not know how I am going to possibly make it another month kind of way.

Even after the 2 c sections, with disappointments in my births, and my family, and my short sightedness and my naivete, and my friends and my body and my doctors and my nurses and society in general, I look back and also remember laughs and outings and pictures and videos and holidays and first trips out with the new baby and it was GOOD. So good. SO much better than split coochie bones and vomiting and swelling and insomnia and restless leg syndrome and acid reflux and itching skin and nightmares and acne and lack of oxygen and worry worry worry......

So.
I am not feeling well at all. I feel like dog crap. I am holding onto some little shard of guilt that keeps me from laying in bed all day and just shaking some Doritos all over the floor and hoping the kids find that to be a suitable breakfast and lunch. Because I love them and because I know that to everybody else, I am just Joy who has a big round tummy hooray yippee arent pregnant mommies so cute. But honestly, I am totally just hating this whole thing, and cannot ever express to anyone what utter bullshit this pubic bone thing has been for me. I guess my analogy to my husband will have to suffice-- the other day I told him to just imagine that he had a broken bone, that was not set, that he had to walk on, here's 4 kids, two are quite young and crazy--see you tonight at 6! He said he was so so sorry. Theres really nothing else to say.

I love my baby and I cannot WAIT to be a Mom again. I am really really good at being Mama Joy and so so not good at this.

Wishing I had beautiful poems for you all,
but knowing that my voice is just another truth that someone will want to read,
thanks for all the awesome well wishes on my last post--I got to read them all today--
Housefairy

13 comments:

Rixa said...

Joy, I love you for your honesty and humor and how you can say what you really feel in a way that makes me laugh and frown and chuckle and nod all at the same time. I love love love having a newborn. It's so magical. SPD totally sucks. I am really sorry about that. Ugh.

It's nice to have you back in blog-land!

Jen.b.in.az said...

First, I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain and having such a rough time. Then, I want to say that sunny and poetic is over-rated. There's something so refreshing about reading what REALLY is...I love reading your posts, and I hope that for you writing them is somewhat cathartic. Just one thought to finish...can you start calling on the "let me know what I can do" people NOW, and not after the baby is born? Have somebody come do your laundry, wash the floors, do the dishes...take the kids to the park? Let you just be for an hour or two, without feeling you *should* be doing something?? If only I lived in your part of the world...

I really hope you find some relief soon...and thanks for the honesty and humor (to quote Rixa) in your posts.

j

MereMortal said...

i honor your truth.
i hold it without words, judgement, or wishes.
i revel in your rawness, your honestly, the way your heart spills onto the keyboard and the screen.
i see your strength through all of the icky, achy, shitty, tiring, crappy, itchy, pregnancy stuff.
i already see you holding that golden little girl in your arms and cooing LOVE all over her.
magic is upon you...
xoxo
leigh

pearly1979 said...

Well I sure can relate to this post! :) I will be 36 weeks on Tuesday. I said before I think that I have too have the blessed SPD. It's awful, but it is comforting to read about some one else experiencing it because I don't know anyone IRL that has. You are so right, the way you described it to your husband. It is like having a broken bone that hasn't been set. Some times it hurts when I just sit here. It really hurts if I dare keep my knees apart and radiates down my thighs. It hurts when I walk, it hurts when I sit. It KILLS when I rollover in bed which happens at least 6 times a night because my hip feels broken if I stay on any one side too long. Getting in the car?? Forget it. PAIN. Putting underwear and pants on? Nearly impossible. I hear you and I too can't wait to get to that new baby stage. Yeah it's hard, and yeah my boobs are going to hurt, but at least I can see and smell my sweet baby to get my through. I think the SPD is extra insulting to me because I have to have a repeat c-section. Why does my pelvis have to fall apart when nothing is going to go through there? Doesn't my body know it grows breech babies and they aren't coming out that way? It seems incredibly unfair to have my pelvis fall apart for nothing only to have that pain replaced with that of a huge scar. Yuck.

Well you are not alone, just wanted you to know. I really enjoy your blog and as a mom of four, 35 weeks pregnant with my fifth. I am hearing you.

We're close now, so close. We can do it.

Sarah
http://taylorvortex.blogspot.com/

Judit said...

Joy, you probably have no idea how much you've been in my thoughts. I obviously didn't know about the computer, but otherwise my guess was that you're feeling the way you indeed say you are and that's what's kept you from the internet. Anyway, your plight sure sucks more than I can probably imagine, but I've been giving it a try anyway. (By the way your yearning to hold and nurse your baby and live life again totally is poetic!!!)
I second Jen. You need friends to look in on you guys. I would sign right up. I would seriously take a half day off work once a week for a month or however long it takes. Arrange a rotation with a few others. If I lived nearby, duh.... I am saying this not to strut around like oh such a nice person in your blog's comments section, but to illustrate to you that your friends can and do care this much for you, I can't possibly be the only one, so those who are within reach will come through!

Kelley said...

Joy, thank you for this INCREDIBLE post. You are amazing. You have the ability to let me see right into your heart, and I love you even more for it. You have nailed this 9 months pregnant thing right on the head. I agree; it sucks! I wish I could say otherwise, but it does. I know it's "easier" to take care of our babies inside, but it is so much better in so many ways when they are on the outside and we can actually see the person that we have turned our lives and our families and our bodies upside-down for during the past 9 months. My family, too, is seriously suffering and I really don't think I can do this to them again.

I so wish I lived closer to you so I could help, too. I may be miserable, but I'm not crippled by SPD, and you'd better believe that I'd absolutely be there to help you. I guess all I can really do is wish you the very best, and have a ready shoulder for you to cry on any time you want.

I'm glad you're back, and it was SOOOO awesome to be able to talk to you last week.

CNH said...

Oh my gosh. You just seriously took my life and wrote it all down and summed it all up and made me darn near cry again (for the 15th time today) because I am so right there with you. I'm 37+3 with twins, have the broken bone disorder, plus two babies who refuse to STOP FLIPPING AROUND IN THERE and contractions every night until 3-4am which aren't doing anything to my cervix but exhaust and frustrate me instead.

I am so tired of it.

And twins won't be easy but at least I'll be able to breathe. And eat. And WALK. And oh my god, bend over at the waist to retrieve things off the floor. And do the housework. And not have elephant feet. And not feel like getting in and out of bed is some sort of exercise in complete frustration.

I am so sorry. May peace come to us both in the form of early (but not preterm) birth. Much love.

Doreen said...

Hi Joy, I've been following your blog for a while, and just had to comment on this. All I can say is OUCH! Reading your post made me hurt, and I'm not even pregnant anymore. That last month sucks. Okay, really, the last two months suck. All those aches and pains are still very fresh in my memory, and I didn't even have to deal with SPD. Normal last trimester pregnancy hurts, I can't even imagine having SPD on top of that. I hope you get that baby out soon (but not too soon!). And you feel better. I can very much relate to just wanting the baby out. Yeah, sleepless nights, whatever. At least you get some sleep, and the little you get is COMFORTABLE. Ha. Here's to walks, and sleep, and nursies. :o)

Sheridan said...

Big HUGS to you. I wish I could take the pain away. I must say your post reminds me why I am hesitant to have another baby. I love birthing and newborns, but being pregnant is the tough part for me.

Indeed the sweet baby makes it all worth it.

Andrea said...

I always love your honesty about all of this.

I've been thinking about how people freak out on you for the things you say, how they think something's wrong with you. And I think it means you're doing something right, sharing all of this downer stuff about pregnancy. Because it's true. As much as that ripe peach stuff is true. I remember feeling like the peach on certain days, but then there was the point where my my neck and shoulders turned into searing, stabbing concrete for the last, oh trimester. I lived with intense pain all day every day for several months. Not peachy, that, and I'm still trying to heal it 20 months later.

And then, there was all the thinking about death I did while I was pregnant. I thought about death as a multi-faceted theme. It was all over pregnancy for me. When I tried to tell my husband, he freaked out, thought I didn't want to have a baby, thought I needed therapy. But no, it was just there. Not just the "death of my former self" and "birth into motherhood" thing. It was much more than that. But it wasn't negative, necessarily. It was primal, shamanic. It was Buffy meets the first slayer. It was the root of all things.

I convinced my husband that these thoughts didn't mean I was suicidal or anything, but whenever I'd mention them he'd say, "yeah, but it's so much about life, too." But that made me mad. That wasn't fair. Because that was telling me to focus on being a peach, a blooming flower, lovely, and that just wasn't me a lot of the time.

Once again, I have to tell you, I think it's so important that you write about this stuff. I think the people who have a problem with it are just scared. You're probing the depths of your soul, and there are some very dark caves in there. In all of us. A lot of people would rather not deal with them. But there's great value in doing so.

One more thing -- as I was reading your post, my toddler pointed at your blue-haired picture and said "mama." :)

Stacey said...

JOY!! Awesome post. Pregnancy is a beuatiful peach-thing....but it is also harrowing, painful, and downright sucky at times. You're aweosme for laying all out about how it really can be, and *IS* for a lot of Mamas. (((gentle hugs)))

Jill said...

Oh Joy, I'm so glad you're back! And I'm so very sorry that you're in so much pain. You have every right to not be all rosy right now, I don't think I could be either. But you are downright inspirational in your determination to focus on the END PRODUCT and not the shittiness you are suffering right now. This post was great and yes, totally worth posting maybe BECAUSE it is a breath of fresh air among the happy-go-lucky pregnancy blogs. Truth is awesome. And you are awesome for speaking it.

The end of this is near and it will be totally worth it. I am looking forward to it with you, because you deserve to be (semi)normal and happy again! Welcome back to the intarwebs!

Anonymous said...

Joy, I love reading your blog. And I can sympathize with the pubic pain, as I had it in 2 of my 4 pregnancies. I didn't get it w/ the first and then on the 4th, I found a chiro. that would actually aDJUST my pubic symphisis and not just my back. It was HEAVEN. It changed everything. The grinding, aching, stabbing, knifelike pains...they ceased after just a couple of adjustments. I just wanted to pass that along in case you werent aware of such a miracle cure. It really was a godsend to me. {{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}