Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Hi there

i am reading all of your blogs...but I just cant seem to write right now. I am going through some torrential huge monumental changes, big swirly stuff, lifestyle stuff, its all very good very hard very intense.

It is hot here and it is hard to keep track of the kids with all the nursing. As much as I am into breastfeeding I am not sitting on my tiny front porch with my boobs flying out. i cant do "discreet" until the baby is older, and she can hold herself up. right now I need one hand for her and one for my breast and she pops off and spits up and rolls around and well, the other 2 or three hands i need for keeping my shirt vaguely down and swatting mosquitos and all this stuff, well, i just cant do it on the front porch right now. I have a special tank top thingy and can do cover-y blanket things but it is just too hot for all that crap right now. I like to lie in bed but thats when Charlie flies out the front door and I hear cries and screams and crashes...or the big kid who was "watching" the little kid appears in the doorway for a tattle or a ridiculous food request.......

its hard. its kind of like one of those dreams where you cant talk or cant scream or cant punch the bad guy--

after a great weekend of being a fun mom, i am paying the price, hardcore. My belly just hurts SO bad, I dont have better words to describe it. I didnt do anything wacky or lift anything heavy, but i guess hanging up a few birdfeeders and going on short walks and just being an upright mom in the home was bad.

I saw the doctor last wednesday and i cant write about it yet. My care cycle is over and I have been declared to be fine. I type this with dry wit and dismayed relief, but it is not the doctor, it is just the whole system. Live birth. Mission accomplished.

I will say this, though, I know know know that other surgeries such as knee, foot, neck, back, whatnot have follow up care! FOLLOW UP CARE. Rehabilitation, Physical therapy, hell a fricking handout with little suggestions? anything?

there is absolutly N O T H I N G they do to you or for you after a cesarean. Bye. I practically begged the guy for advice, but the 2 avenues of conversation seemed to be leading around in circles: It will take some time/You are completely healthy goodbye/it might take some time/everything is within normal parameters/buh bye buh bye

I dont know what to say. i dont know what my dream would be, i am glad i am "fine" and i am glad to be "normal". I think I would like, in a fair world, some kind of therapy. Special exercises, advice, support....

there is so much conflict between what i am really experiencing and what "the world" thinks i should be experiencing because their imaginary girlfriend said she felt awesome by now or whatever.

we have three family events in the next 2 weeks and i dont like my options, as i imagine them to be: get all dolled up, abdominal binder, hair/makeup, vicodin/motrin/motherwort/vitamins/herbs and be a big superstar come home and crawl, CRAWL into my bed, weeping and be jacked for 4 or 5 days afterwards....

or show up all pale and slouchy and slow and gentle and stainy and leaky and fat in pseudo-pajamas and think i am "showing those skinny bottle feeding materialistic yucky bitches what real motherhood looks like with a 5 week old" (NOT my family...but some of the extended family on Daddy's side...)....but it will just come over as wow Joy used to be cute, that poor Steve, if she didnt want a c section she shoulda gotten "fixed" along time ago

this is the black and white way i think today. i wrote more than i planned to--i swear i was so "up" the last week, really be-boppin along, too busy and happy to bother with the blogs or even the indoors....but now i feel really crummy again. sore. tired. sore. tired.

btw, all this existential crisis stuff is about if i can homeschool anymore. i dont know where to write about it or what to say yet!


Judit said...

Dear Joy! I am smiling at your imaginary thought bubbles over the heads of those extended family members! It's so human to fret about imaginary thought bubbles. I do it too. I kind of want to stick out a pokey finger at those bubblefuls of meanness and make them all go *POP* *POP* *POP* one by one.
I understand your frustration about the utter disconnect between where medicine ends and where life is back to manageable...
Looking forward to hearing more about your swirly existential crisis thoughts!

Kelley said...

Joy, it makes me upset that you're not getting the care you need. Gracious, my aunt had MONTHS of physical therapy after her shoulder surgery! Why do new mothers not get what they need when they've been through what you've been through?

I can totally understand about the havoc that breaks loose when you're nursing. Just this morning I was nursing Rachel while my older ones were taking a bath (believe me, I'd know if something happened because it would get quiet. It WASN'T quiet), and I went in afterwards to discover our tiny bathroom was swimming! And 30 minutes before we had friends coming over and the kids weren't dressed (obviously) and hadn't been fed yet. I wanted to kill them! I didn't, though.

I hope you are able to figure out what will work best for your family in regards to homeschooling or not. That is why Josh is going back; I decided I just couldn't do it this year. I will rethink my decision next year, and maybe change my mind, but I'm leaving that for next year.

Good luck.

KEM said...

Haha - I know you're hurting, but I say stick it to the skinny bitches and wear your comfy clothes. ;)

Hang in there, mama, you're doing a great job.

TracyKM said...

Do you have ANY sort of community health program? Clinics, workshops, home visitors, public health departments? Is there a breastfeeding clinic? Because of a home visit by a public health nurse to help with breastfeeding my new baby, my son ended up getting screened for speech, and through that we finally ended up with his SPD diagnosis....the 'medical' doctors were of no help. Sometimes help comes disguised, the hat one person wears one day/place might be the hat they wear another time/place. Reach out to anyone! Is there an attachment parenting group? A babywearing group? (You are babywearing and nursing while wearing, aren't you?) The LLL? Let everyone know you need some help and it will come :)

CNH said...

Ack, honey. It just sucks that you're still hurting so. Sigh.

I hear you on the insanity nursing brings. It's been a tough week here with tummy bugs running rampant and babies going through an INSANE nursing thing and then we got evicted and have to move. Lord it's been rough. The moment I try to tandem nurse so they will GET OFF ME and I can get up and do something Izzy goes trolling for trouble and Noah is usually right there with her. Don't you sometimes wish you could just freeze the little two for like, oh, 12-15 months? Just until you get a handle on things?

Paula said...

I just want to say I understand the in-law frustration over homeschooling. I homeschool too. Have four who are 10, 6, 2 and 1, and I just found out I'm expecting again. I'm fully expecting MIL to be incredulous when I announce that I will be continuing to teach them myself. It's awful to have to deal with that kind of crap.

Anonymous said...

"I will say this, though, I know know know that other surgeries such as knee, foot, neck, back, whatnot have follow up care! FOLLOW UP CARE. Rehabilitation, Physical therapy, hell a fricking handout with little suggestions? anything?

there is absolutly N O T H I N G they do to you or for you after a cesarean."

Wait, what?! Wow, there's another oh my fucking god moment. Why is it that I keep being surprised by the ridiculous things the medical industry does. No follow up care? After major surgery? What the hell is going on in this world? Because god knows if a man had major abdominal surgery where they cut through his core muscles and pulled his organs outside of his body and stapled, simply because they're too lazy to suture, his skin back together there would be some damn follow up. Whoa, sorry for venting on your blog but I am mad.

In any case, I will be righteously indignant for you. We really need to do some kind of serious storming of the Bastille thing. We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore! Right, ladies? Hmph.