i am reading all of your blogs...but I just cant seem to write right now. I am going through some torrential huge monumental changes, big swirly stuff, lifestyle stuff, its all very good very hard very intense.
It is hot here and it is hard to keep track of the kids with all the nursing. As much as I am into breastfeeding I am not sitting on my tiny front porch with my boobs flying out. i cant do "discreet" until the baby is older, and she can hold herself up. right now I need one hand for her and one for my breast and she pops off and spits up and rolls around and well, the other 2 or three hands i need for keeping my shirt vaguely down and swatting mosquitos and all this stuff, well, i just cant do it on the front porch right now. I have a special tank top thingy and can do cover-y blanket things but it is just too hot for all that crap right now. I like to lie in bed but thats when Charlie flies out the front door and I hear cries and screams and crashes...or the big kid who was "watching" the little kid appears in the doorway for a tattle or a ridiculous food request.......
its hard. its kind of like one of those dreams where you cant talk or cant scream or cant punch the bad guy--
after a great weekend of being a fun mom, i am paying the price, hardcore. My belly just hurts SO bad, I dont have better words to describe it. I didnt do anything wacky or lift anything heavy, but i guess hanging up a few birdfeeders and going on short walks and just being an upright mom in the home was bad.
I saw the doctor last wednesday and i cant write about it yet. My care cycle is over and I have been declared to be fine. I type this with dry wit and dismayed relief, but it is not the doctor, it is just the whole system. Live birth. Mission accomplished.
I will say this, though, I know know know that other surgeries such as knee, foot, neck, back, whatnot have follow up care! FOLLOW UP CARE. Rehabilitation, Physical therapy, hell a fricking handout with little suggestions? anything?
there is absolutly N O T H I N G they do to you or for you after a cesarean. Bye. I practically begged the guy for advice, but the 2 avenues of conversation seemed to be leading around in circles: It will take some time/You are completely healthy goodbye/it might take some time/everything is within normal parameters/buh bye buh bye
I dont know what to say. i dont know what my dream would be, i am glad i am "fine" and i am glad to be "normal". I think I would like, in a fair world, some kind of therapy. Special exercises, advice, support....
there is so much conflict between what i am really experiencing and what "the world" thinks i should be experiencing because their imaginary girlfriend said she felt awesome by now or whatever.
we have three family events in the next 2 weeks and i dont like my options, as i imagine them to be: get all dolled up, abdominal binder, hair/makeup, vicodin/motrin/motherwort/vitamins/herbs and be a big superstar mommy....to come home and crawl, CRAWL into my bed, weeping and be jacked for 4 or 5 days afterwards....
or show up all pale and slouchy and slow and gentle and stainy and leaky and fat in pseudo-pajamas and think i am "showing those skinny bottle feeding materialistic yucky bitches what real motherhood looks like with a 5 week old" (NOT my family...but some of the extended family on Daddy's side...)....but it will just come over as wow Joy used to be cute, that poor Steve, if she didnt want a c section she shoulda gotten "fixed" along time ago
this is the black and white way i think today. i wrote more than i planned to--i swear i was so "up" the last week, really be-boppin along, too busy and happy to bother with the blogs or even the indoors....but now i feel really crummy again. sore. tired. sore. tired.
btw, all this existential crisis stuff is about if i can homeschool anymore. i dont know where to write about it or what to say yet!