The days are hard. Let me correct that-- the MORNINGS are hard. SO hard. Too hard. Need the whole afternoon to recover from them.
I am really drowning and churning in all of my thoughts and within the limitations of my post surgery body and its very confusing. What to do. What not to do. What to think, how to wait, what is important, what is not, what is dumb, what is smart, what is right, what feels right, does that matter, is resting good is resting a bad sign what is resting blablabla.
Tonight I am going to treat myself to a little mini version of the kind of stuff i will be doing all the time a year from now. I am going to run to the store by myself, get a fun haircolor and maybe a big insanely fluffy expensive coffee and give myself a little mini makeover.
I dont know what else to do, really. My children H A T E me, but showing them a fun time is about impossible without hurting myself taking them to some park or whatnot. Seems like in the house they are INCREDIBLY angry and fighting, so of course I am absolutley flipping out about what happened to my sweet babies and then I am all nostalgic and troubled and then I tell myself oh stop all that crazy stuff just eat some stupid salad greens and well that isnt quite helping but....I feel like I am waiting. For what. To feel stronger, like September or so?
The family party was fine. I sat around and Daddy did all the work.