The days are hard. Let me correct that-- the MORNINGS are hard. SO hard. Too hard. Need the whole afternoon to recover from them.
I am really drowning and churning in all of my thoughts and within the limitations of my post surgery body and its very confusing. What to do. What not to do. What to think, how to wait, what is important, what is not, what is dumb, what is smart, what is right, what feels right, does that matter, is resting good is resting a bad sign what is resting blablabla.
Tonight I am going to treat myself to a little mini version of the kind of stuff i will be doing all the time a year from now. I am going to run to the store by myself, get a fun haircolor and maybe a big insanely fluffy expensive coffee and give myself a little mini makeover.
I dont know what else to do, really. My children H A T E me, but showing them a fun time is about impossible without hurting myself taking them to some park or whatnot. Seems like in the house they are INCREDIBLY angry and fighting, so of course I am absolutley flipping out about what happened to my sweet babies and then I am all nostalgic and troubled and then I tell myself oh stop all that crazy stuff just eat some stupid salad greens and well that isnt quite helping but....I feel like I am waiting. For what. To feel stronger, like September or so?
The family party was fine. I sat around and Daddy did all the work.
8 comments:
You've written a couple posts -- one about what it is to get through the first couple of months to develop a breastfeeding relationship with a baby, and the other about what dads can do to take care of a new mom -- that really made good sense about the confusion and chaos of the early days with a new baby and recovering from pregancy and birth. They aren't about what you're talking about here, exactly, but I thought I'd remind you of them because they made a lot of sense to me. The point I took from what you wrote then is that it's all momentary. It'll all come together. It can be about the moment right now, rather than the big picture.
I think you know this, and it must be so hard to power through with a bunch of kids you want to make sure are getting what they need. But, remember, it's temporary, it's not a life sentence. And this isn't to dismiss your difficulties, by the way. Just to remind you what you've reminded others before.
And good for you, about the mini-makeover and the fluffy coffee!
Once again I don't have anything earth-shattering to say except "good job." I know it's hard (believe me. My kids feel the need to tell me regularly they don't like me), but I have faith that it WILL get better. It has to. Your kids are very blessed to have a mom as awesome as you, even if they seem to have forgotten it for a while.
Let's talk again soon. How are things going with the existential crisis?
I have just caught up on your last few posts; and I am racking my brains for something to say that will help - some resource to give you.
The fact that you are still in so much pain worries me. I ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE that you are hurting terribly. I am just frustrated for you that you can't get a doctor to believe you.
C-sections are horribly minimized when it comes to recognizing them as major surgery. I was very lucky with my doctor. He actually looked at my husband and said "She's had major abdominal surgery; this will not be an easy recovery." Why can't all doctors see that? One reason is that most of them are male. Don't get me started...
Other women also minimize the pain and the recovery; and to me that is the biggest shame. I do not minimize the pain of their vaginal birth...
My youngest is 14 (both were c-sections) and my scar still burns and itches sometimes.
Nothing I've said is helpful, I know. I just want you to know that I believe you. I KNOW you are in physical pain. I just wish there was some resource I could give you.
Hope that little time away and your mini makeover helped.
I've just found your blog and read what I can with one of my triplet son my lap. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain and that you felt put off by your Dr. I had a C-section with my triplets almost 2 years ago. My scar is still numb in places and if my kids kick or play in certian areas of my abdomen, it is painful.
I would have loved to have a natural birth, but that wasn't even an option and I knew that early in my pregnancy. I can imagine the heartbreak of a surprise C-section when you had your heart and body set on a vaginal birth. C-sections are very clinical and not at all baby friendly.
I do hope that you begin to feel better soon.
I know what you mean about waiting, and not really knowing what you're waiting for, or for how long 'it' will take. I keep waiting for...peace? sleep-filled nights that start at 7 instead of 10? All kids in school? I don't really know, so how will I know when it happens?
I'm sure you will feel better/yourself at some point. Hopefully it's soon. Is there an unemployed teen or someone that can come and be a mother's helper for you, maybe in exchange for tutoring or something? Another homeschooled child you know?
Fluffy coffee. Love that!
I'm glad you are going out ( or did; I've been gone all week ). My next piece of "advice" for postpartum mom is to make sure you take an hour off every day. Yes, really. Yes, you can. You have a wonderful and supportive husband and if you tell him that when he gets home; it's all "his" for an hour or so, daily....he will be happy to do it; especially when he sees the results meaning that mama Joy feels like a whole person again! I did this with every one of my kids from the second month. I went back to running; walking at first, but an hour per day. That was my thing. Yours will be "yours" but it's a good and right thing to do. The baby will be fine and the kids get to reconnect with dad when he gets home while you put some space between everyone elses needs and meet some of your own. And that is "good mothering". Hurrah for the haircolor; I hope we all get to see it. Let me know....you know, anything.
I delurked and wrote this looong comment to you...and lost it! Grrr!
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