I guess I should blog...
I have like 6 things in "drafts"--not like me. I dont know if my hesitance is some kind of maturing thing where I think before I speak or more insecurity/feeling like my story(ie)s are going to upset or offend, blabla.
Anyhow at least a health update: I took the 3 youngest kids to the doctor last Friday and Charlie and Casey had double ear infections, and Eska had some inconclusive blood work and chest xrays and Casey had "pneumonia sounds a little bit" in his lungs and they are all on Amoxicillin. They started getting better in about a day and a half, meaning going from high pitched crying and hacking and choking all night with Steve and I camped out taking shifts and noone sleeping to just some kids with productive coughs and clear sniffles. Phew.
Where I was already saying that it was going to take alot of time for us to heal from the past years' stresses, now it is going to take even longer. Like, I am not going to bust us all out to some giant daytrip as soon as we are better. We are going to, like, go out in the back yard for 15 minutes. thats how weak and pale and tired and wiped out we are. WHEN it is really summer and we are really partying and diving into pools and covered in strawberries and barbecue sauce, it will be SUCH a victory and wonderful!
I am still in my deep thoughts mode, savoring the moments and reading and such. Letting go of past hurts, learning new ways of living, forgiving myself and my husband for parenting errors and mess ups and trying, so hard, to just look forward and not wallow in regrets and guilt. Sorry to be so shady and mysterious, basically we feel we "used to be so nice and happy and now are so mean and angry" and the time lines of all this nostalgia is vague. It doesnt matter WHEN or WHY life turned really stressful, but we are really really trying to get on top of it all.
I went and visited my old job, the Detroit Curling Club (I was bartender there last year) and even though I felt shy and weird going in there were alot of people who were like "JOY!!!! OMG HI!!!!" and that was so so so cool. I want my job back in the fall and I plan to make it happen somehow. I loved it and this time I wont be pregnant so all the nausea, exhaustion, horrifying smells and guilt about the chips and soda and heavy lifting and so forth would be gone as well! Getting out of the house, talking to adults, driving and listening to NPR, Sonic Youth, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Sports Talk radio, wearing makeup and outfits.....and yeah making money too---so awesome! They better take me back.
Stay healthy....
3 comments:
Glad to hear from you and that you are taking the time to reflect and heal. Hope everyone is better soon!
You and I talk a lot but I'll offer something up here anyway:
There was a long stretch of time in my life, after losing Paul, and Samuel and having Mary born with spina bifida and all within a 5 year stretch, that about all I could muster as thought, prayer, question, demand, wail and silent whisper in the wee, dark sleepless hours was "What happened to my family?" I simply could not comprehend all that had been lost to me, and to us, over a period of 5 years. Half a decade in the life of any child is a very long time and I truly felt that my older kids had "lost" me for that entire time. I wasn't there for them, at least not in the way I thought I should have been, or was used to being. My entire sense of self as a mother was threatened and a whole new and extended period of grieving was added onto all that time already used so painfully. It reached it's real bottom last Spring, as you know...
The good news is that Easter really does mean something and it's this: All death brings new life, eventually. Every Winter brings Spring. Life is life a and the beautiful thing is, being a family is an eternal reality, it isn't suspended or taken from us when the dark side of life intervenes and seems to rob us of what is most dear. There is no question that something is lost; but not all. And when the new life starts to bud and blossom ( and it will ) you'll also see the abundance of wisdom, depth, love and necessary change that grew out of all that darkness. Patience and Courage, dear friend, all will be well.
I am SOOOO glad to hear that you are all on the mend. I've been wanting to talk to you, but I figured you were all dead to the world so I'd better wait.
Once again, you and I are on the same path. I've been looking deep and trying to learn and re-learn some things that I should never have forgotten. The last year and a half have been so stressful, and it's nice to be finally finding some peace. A job for Jon would be nice, but it'll come.
Anyway, keep healing, Sister. We'll talk soon. Love ya.
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