I guess I should blog...
I have like 6 things in "drafts"--not like me. I dont know if my hesitance is some kind of maturing thing where I think before I speak or more insecurity/feeling like my story(ie)s are going to upset or offend, blabla.
Anyhow at least a health update: I took the 3 youngest kids to the doctor last Friday and Charlie and Casey had double ear infections, and Eska had some inconclusive blood work and chest xrays and Casey had "pneumonia sounds a little bit" in his lungs and they are all on Amoxicillin. They started getting better in about a day and a half, meaning going from high pitched crying and hacking and choking all night with Steve and I camped out taking shifts and noone sleeping to just some kids with productive coughs and clear sniffles. Phew.
Where I was already saying that it was going to take alot of time for us to heal from the past years' stresses, now it is going to take even longer. Like, I am not going to bust us all out to some giant daytrip as soon as we are better. We are going to, like, go out in the back yard for 15 minutes. thats how weak and pale and tired and wiped out we are. WHEN it is really summer and we are really partying and diving into pools and covered in strawberries and barbecue sauce, it will be SUCH a victory and wonderful!
I am still in my deep thoughts mode, savoring the moments and reading and such. Letting go of past hurts, learning new ways of living, forgiving myself and my husband for parenting errors and mess ups and trying, so hard, to just look forward and not wallow in regrets and guilt. Sorry to be so shady and mysterious, basically we feel we "used to be so nice and happy and now are so mean and angry" and the time lines of all this nostalgia is vague. It doesnt matter WHEN or WHY life turned really stressful, but we are really really trying to get on top of it all.
I went and visited my old job, the Detroit Curling Club (I was bartender there last year) and even though I felt shy and weird going in there were alot of people who were like "JOY!!!! OMG HI!!!!" and that was so so so cool. I want my job back in the fall and I plan to make it happen somehow. I loved it and this time I wont be pregnant so all the nausea, exhaustion, horrifying smells and guilt about the chips and soda and heavy lifting and so forth would be gone as well! Getting out of the house, talking to adults, driving and listening to NPR, Sonic Youth, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Sports Talk radio, wearing makeup and outfits.....and yeah making money too---so awesome! They better take me back.