I get to the point where if I KNEW that I could be one of those strange creatures on television who sits there with their epidural and their straps and their monitors and catheters and plays cards until the nice lady tells me to push and then out pops the baby, hell, better than a section, right?
But I know better, been down that road too many times, trusted in the intervention-package too many times, and just have so many aversions to buying into the idea that I am so flawed, so broken, so useless, that I basically need to be "delivered" by The Machines. My last 2 babies were big. Too big. Maybe. SO now to digest that I am some weirdo chick, some pseudo diabetes which I do not have at all fat chick who shouldnta ate the sandwhich or something??? What happened to Ina May and well nourished? What happened to the Brewer Diet? I am trying so hard to get this. So many things to work out and settle up with all that MDC rhetoric about how my body wont make a baby I cant birth, and then realizing that maybe it will, I think it did, and then feeling like my own self is this 3rd party subject matter...I feel like I suck and am weird. Or that I am suppossed to think that I am sucky wierd and broken but I am not but I dont want the baby to die or be stuck of course but ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
I just don't feel it in my heart, today, but I respect the risks. But I don't really think there is anything wrong with me, nor do I know what to do besides just --well frankly I do not know what. Be good. Be glad. Eat Kale. No pepsi. Get rest. Stay home for most of labor. Trust everyone. Accept what the old c sections have meant for my present. Be glad they are "letting" my baby come out of my vagina maybe. (I am, I am!) Its just so f'ing bizarre. Today. To me.
Its just, well, my homebirth was so straightforward, went into labor around 5am, baby was born at 2:50 pm. Pushed less than an hour, hanging out eating pizza by 4. Sometimes this is all too surreal for me to deal with, but I am trying to stay on top of it or deny it or something. Better than a c-section is all I can muster today. A csection with five children home.
But I will even go so far as to say (gasp gasp gasp) that if I was one of those rich chicks with the helpers or the family or whatever, I get it with the planned cesareans. At least you don't go through the fricken ORDEAL that I am picturing/fearing one of these hugely interventive and "panicky" hospital labors to end up being. Wires, tubes, pain, confusion, disappointment, miscommunication, some bullshit ending with them screaming at me, some fake thing about hurry! hurry! push push!!!12345678910! ripping out the baby, cutting the cord instantly, washing her all mean with some nasty soap, fighting about not vaccinating, eye creams, having to tell the stupid nurse "how long she nursed"....knowing that if I don't act sweet and complacent that the lunch will be late and all the little punishments they do to you when you act like you know about breastfeeding or you have opinions about no scissors in your you know what.....shit shit I wasn't going to think about this stuff. I HATE that this entire birth will be some huge battle, some passive victimized ORDEAL, me versus "the staff". I just wanna have my baby. Maybe I can do a come home super early thing. Unless I have a c section, then I think they kick you out too early. But my kids will be besides themselves if I am gone a week again, especially baby Charlie, @#$%$#@#$%$#@#$% I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I worry. I do understand and yet I worry. I keep on top of things with the very real gratitude that the baby is healthy and that I have such a great midwife. I just feel so disturbed that I cant or maybe cant or blablabla just have a baby. The lump in my throat battles with the bravery most of the hours of my days. I hate being 32 years old and having to pretty much just "hope it doesnt suck". I feel like I dont know what I should do to prepare for anything, really, and that is so different from my last births. How can the mamas who love the hospital-birth stand this?