As is everything in life, its all intertwined. And among it all is our Casey. Who we have known was different since he was about 5 months old.
We have been "dealing with" our son's behavioral problems/developmental anomalies, scared, but so so so busy, among new babies and c sections and new houses and money problems and dying relatives and homeschooling philosophies all washing down the drain, dead ends with books and vitamins and utter lack of ability to really get to the point where there is a therapist or a pill....so many well intentioned peoples, authors, strangers' advice that all kind of melt together and feel like one big horrid mish-mosh of HE IS JUST A SPIRITED LITTLE CHILD YOU GUYS SUCK YOU ARE REALLY BAD PARENTS HOW CAN YOU BLAME YOUR LIFES PROBLEMS ON A LITTLE CHILD, HE'S JUST A CHILD FOR GOD'S SAKE....mixed with the very real experience of now being on the other side of that great divide at the park and the mall and the restaurant and for a few short weeks, the school system to the tune of OOOH STAY AWAY FROM THAT BAAAAD KID/WHO WOULD LET THEIR CHILD CLIMB ON THE TOP OF THE MONKEY BARS/WHY DOES THAT BOY HAVE A GIANT BRANCH/COME ON HONEY LETS GET AWAY FROM THAT WILD BAD BOY/WHAT KIND OF MOTHER IS SHE CHASING DOWN HER CHILD WHO IS RUNNING AWAY FROM HER...and my own dreams becoming fast-fading bitterly irrelevant jokes...CREATE A SPECIAL BEDTIME RITUAL FOR YOUR CHILD! READ THEM A SPECIAL STORY! CHILDREN REALLY RESPOND TO LAVENDER OIL! HAVE HIM PLAY WITH NATURAL FIBERS! WHOLE FOODS! CO-SLEEP! BREASTFEED! MAKE HIM KEEP A LITTLE NATURE JOURNAL! SING SWEET SONGS IN A CIRCLE! REGULAR ROUTINES! CLOTH DIAPERS! HERBAL SUPPLEMENTS! CHARLOTTE MASON! JOHN HOLT! STRUCTURE! FREEDOM! HE NEEDS SCHOOL! HOMESCHOOL!UNSCHOOL! HAVE A DARLING CIVIL WAR THEMED LUNCHEON!

My
son
doesnt
work
that
way.
\

But I think my other 4 kids do. What I dont need is more guilt or more people who do not believe us. And what we have truly gone through living with someone who is so destructive, so hyperactive, so chaotic, so confusing, so impulsive, so dangerous, so thrill seeking, so clueless to others' feelings, and just so, so, so draining and upsetting we will never be able to really explain to anyone who sees him a few times a year outside of the home. Yes he came to your house and ate crackers and colored and spoke nicely. So?

I am grateful that he is healthy, and I am grateful that he CAN be normal/good sometimes. Of course. But I am DONE with dreading my life, dreading everyday, dreading breakfast, mornings, lunch, naptime, afternoon, dinner, bath and bedtime.

I contacted the public school system (ugh) in our new town and inquired about some "testing". More ugh. Everything about being his mom has made me have to go do stuff I never wanted to, out of hope/wits' end. They said he could get tested in kindergarten and before you all roll your eyes and shout at your computer screens not this again, Joy!!! I must say it sounds better than last year's public-school attempt and here is why:
It is only 9am to noon. Not 8 am to 3:20.
I am not freshly csectioned trying to push some double stroller like last fall. We have a van for me now and I walk like a champ should the desire strike me.
He is a year older but they still said Kindergarten is totally ok rather than 1st grade.
It is supposedly some great school that is really known for its special needs support type of stuff, knowledgable mature staff, etc.
We arent sending everyone, just him.
I do not know what else to do and there are 4 other kids' daily lives deeply affected by living like this, too that i must take into consideration.

\
He has to go somewhere, and my begging our relative for the money to send him to daycare this summer didnt work. They said no. So, all I can do is try to hang on, go see the new pediatrician and refuse to leave without a referral to a real child psychologist who will actually get us in, and I am going to begin supplementing him with Omega fatty acids 3 and 6.

We are trying and always will as long as we live to be better parents to him and all the children and have a wonderfully reviewed book on amazon on its way called Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. (turns out me weeping into a dishtowel "just get him the hell out of my face for five minutes, please!" isn't the most effective way to deal with his emotional outbursts! did I mention overwhelming guilt and irrationally intense self loathing and dark dark regret being the main components of my depression?)

When Casey gets help and I get help and we all make it through this, it will certainly be a glorious time, a return to the true Eden that our family was before....before...before so many things. We will survive. I love him so much. But he just screamed "I hate you weenis! Weenis the penis! You killed a penis!" and then I heard something REALLY loud crashing....so I have to go now. (If he wasnt in my house and he wasnt around my other kids, he would be really, really funny!) Strange thing to think, but life is very strange.