brainstorm

I think I should brainstorm how I want our homeschool to be. And I think I should do it on this blog. Because the thought process might strike a chord with others, might show people with one or two kids how different it is with five, might cause someone with 9 kids to tell me no no no, might be something to look back upon.

Alot of my dreams and ideas are all tangled up in nostalgia, and that has been a very pervasive and persistently life-draining emotion for me for literally the last 5 years. And I am trying to slowly pick through what is nostalgia for something actually experienced and what is nostalgia for just being in my twenties and having it all be still an open wide field of dreams. Painful, painful nostalgia and regret and guilt....blech such a wierd depressive type I am. Why cant I be the loss of appetite stay up all night writing cool songs type? ; ) kidding.

We have quite alot of things coming up, and it all feels like a big hill that we are climbing whether we want to or not: My mother is rapidly dying now, and with this impending loss will be a flurry of activity and I have no experience with such things, blessed has been my life devoid of any deaths whatsoever. My grandmother is also very ill and in hospital and is going to be most likely going into some kind of nursing home out of state to be under the care of my aunt--so coming to grips with the real fact that no, I am not driving up to see her "any weekend now" is hurting my throat like a stone clamp.

After these events, there will be the question of money. Will be be able to afford some part time day care babysitting preschool for the littler boys? Math tutor? Music lessons? Sports? Swimming? Ice skating? Curriculum of some kind, even just a few things? Some maps and atlases? Paint and brushes, a printer with ink, zoo passes, camping, bicycles? We are still hoping things turn around financially but I cant pretend to assume anything about inheritances. We job hunt. We scrimp. We hope our landlord is more patient than the electric company. We take
Casey to the medicaid psychologist and hope they help us all deal with the chaos.

But still I dream. I dream of the day when my children sit with me around the table and we do our lessons. Not all day everyday. But when I say so. I am a really really fun mom and I have so many wonderful ideas. Too bad lately just trying to vaguely vaguely make it through breakfast diaper change nursing re diaper change fighting spilling crying nursing can i make eggs myself mama whoopsie kid running out in mud fighting nursing be quiet for the baby goddamnit you woke her up im hungry again can i use a hammer wheres charlie diaper change choking phone calls spills fighting im hungry again no we arent having pop it is 930 am...........is just not cool.

i never ever meant for it to get this way but 99% of homeschool is relationship between the parent and child. So when that is out of whack then the little books sit on the shelf and just mock you.

So I will brainstorm. Thats all I can do for now.