Wednesday, June 10, 2009

ppd update

Monday night I went to my postpartum depression meeting again. This time there was a mom with her ten day old and her husband, and me and 2 counselors. She took precedence, of course, and I told her how amazing she was for recognizing stuff so early. I think we all helped her. She was 35 and a "control freak" so the first baby really flipped her out. Csection, breastfeeding. I just wanted to drive immediaty to her house and wrap her in a quilt and take good care of her! Her husband was a gentle and kind and cool man but I guess there is her mother who is being awful to them but when it was lightly sugessted that maybe grandma was part of the anxiety there was just no sign in either of them that her being around was an option. I felt bad for her. she had no clue that "it gets better" but she was very against antidepressants. I said I WANT SOME! TODAY!
they laughed. I came across as this funny manic jokester and they think I am doing much better I am afraid. But there is some place I get to call today to maybe get in to a doc w/out health insurance, etc. I will keep you posted!

I had a panic attack Sunday night and I thought I was going to die. And I dont mean that in a "my hair is so ugly I wanna die" I mean like I have felt the grave and the panic at life's ending and trying to scratch up and out of the Earth and get one more chance....terror. terror. terror. Maybe all of this is some kind of punishment for something? I want the meds, I say. No time for self indulgent analysis right now without some kind of bolster. I have 5 little kids who are home all day. and they stare at me. and the guilt is indescribable.

But Monday night reaffirmed for me that I do belong in psychology and I do belong helping mothers. I felt such a strong pull towards that mom and towards her "case". So my life's studies have not been up the wrong tree. Very good to know.

i am taking 3000 iu of vitamin D a day now and my omega 3/6/9 pills twice a day as well as vitamins and minerals blend for women.


Shelly said...

I started having anxiety attacks after my pregnancy loss (they actually started when I was still carrying but after we found out he had died) and I def. know what you mean about thinking that you are going to die. It is so painful and the most terrifying thing ever.

I'm glad you felt better helping other moms. *hugs* just take it one day at a time.

Housefairy said...

thank you for writing! I am so sorry about your day at a time for all of us, for sure.

Alexandra said...

I just want to thank you for posting about this. I am going through some of the same issues and it is so, so helpful to read that I am not alone. Whether you're writing about PPD or c-sections or how damn hard parenting can be, don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're "just complaining." It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there like that and we, your pseudo-anonymous readers, really appreciate it. I'm going to send you an email about some of this stuff, but I just wanted to publicly acknowledge how valuable your blog is.

Rixa said...

Okay, I really really wish I lived closer and could come over and help out. It stinks that all I can do is sit here in front of my laptop and wish I could be actually *doing* something.