Monday night I went to my postpartum depression meeting again. This time there was a mom with her ten day old and her husband, and me and 2 counselors. She took precedence, of course, and I told her how amazing she was for recognizing stuff so early. I think we all helped her. She was 35 and a "control freak" so the first baby really flipped her out. Csection, breastfeeding. I just wanted to drive immediaty to her house and wrap her in a quilt and take good care of her! Her husband was a gentle and kind and cool man but I guess there is her mother who is being awful to them but when it was lightly sugessted that maybe grandma was part of the anxiety there was just no sign in either of them that her being around was an option. I felt bad for her. she had no clue that "it gets better" but she was very against antidepressants. I said I WANT SOME! TODAY!
they laughed. I came across as this funny manic jokester and they think I am doing much better I am afraid. But there is some place I get to call today to maybe get in to a doc w/out health insurance, etc. I will keep you posted!
I had a panic attack Sunday night and I thought I was going to die. And I dont mean that in a "my hair is so ugly I wanna die" I mean like I have felt the grave and the panic at life's ending and trying to scratch up and out of the Earth and get one more chance....terror. terror. terror. Maybe all of this is some kind of punishment for something? I want the meds, I say. No time for self indulgent analysis right now without some kind of bolster. I have 5 little kids who are home all day. and they stare at me. and the guilt is indescribable.
But Monday night reaffirmed for me that I do belong in psychology and I do belong helping mothers. I felt such a strong pull towards that mom and towards her "case". So my life's studies have not been up the wrong tree. Very good to know.
i am taking 3000 iu of vitamin D a day now and my omega 3/6/9 pills twice a day as well as vitamins and minerals blend for women.