So much has gone on in a week or so, I will attempt to share a bit of it with you. First on my mind and in the hearts of everyone is my mother, who in about ten days time has gone from coherent and weak to completely out of it, and a skeletal ghost. She speaks as though in a dream state and I will never again have a conversation with her. This has not sunken in at all and I have been by to care for her, to spell off my stepfather from his 24-7 devoted care, and to just pet and kiss her and chat to her, though she cant tell me anything that makes any sense at all, she doesnt seem frustrated, just like someone sleepwalking, sleep talking is the best way I can describe her now. Its just about the saddest thing I can describe, and I did not not expect this to go this way, if that makes any sense.
I got on an antidepressant, Zoloft, and I will certainly impress upon all depressed mothers to CONSIDER THIS if you can, if you need to--I will not buy into any shame or guilt, if "working out all your issues" is what you want to do for the next 50 years, by all means, go for it, but this helps, too, immensely, and does not need to replace any inner psychology stuff. Meditate, journal, pray, reflect, read, grow, think, see therapists, thats all good stuff, too. But I didnt have 50 years. And Im gonna tell, ya, it didnt take "six to eight weeks" it took about a day and a half to feel significantly better. I HATE SECRETS KEPT FROM MOTHERS! Its no one's f-ing business whats in your purse or your medicine cabinet so if you wanna get on some anti depressants, DO IT. I am deciding to NOT be secretive about it, because, I love you-all and well, frankly, it is just too obvious the way I was writing and they way I am writing that something changed. So, get some help if you need to.
So, How does it make me feel? Like I am NOT buzzing with helpless rage, like I am NOT confused and overwhelmed, like my skin is NOT electrified with nervous tension, like my toddler spilling a cheerio is NOT a big deal or a day ruin-er. I feel more comfortable, more at ease, well rested, intelligent, clear minded, rational, and able to do the things that need to be done. Not all fake ahppy, just stable. Functional; I have done some work with our "budget", I have made an appointment for Casey to see a counselor, I have contacted our utility companies, I have cleaned and taken care of the home----did you all know I was not able to do any of this for some time now, mostly just crying and shaking and obsessing about my "bad and ruined" children?
So, Zoloft. And I also got 2 different anxiety pills to be taken as needed. They havent been needed more than 2 or 3 times and I probably wont need them. One is Xanax--the big famous xanax, I thought it would turn me into some 1950's sedative Mom but it didnt. I felt a little tired, but not sleepy. The other one is Klonopin. This one is a doozy, but before I got on the zoloft, I was wringing my hands and gasping for breath walking back and forth in my kitchen--so if anything like that happens again I would take this. But it puts you to sleep. Take at night if you are really freaking out AND you have a husband who would be "on call".
We are still up in the air about Casey and school/daycare. The little daycare up the street (the one thats so nice and the lady cooks the kids organic meals and encourages you to drop in anytime and the "Tumble-Bus" comes once a week...) is twenty bucks a day. Twenty! Less than a babysitter. So we dont have any money but yet......maybe for July, even, you know? They want a health check and shot records and that alone would have sent me into a self pitying panic attack but now (that I am on Zoloft) I feel like hey, ok, Ill call the pediatrician in the morning.
I have to stop right now and give a huge thank you and mention of the generosity that our friends near and far have bestowed upon us this past week or so, as well. Babysitting, long hours on the phone, kind sympathies, food and diapers, and surprise gifts for the kids' birthdays which were extremely uncharacteristically uncelebrated this year-they ended up with some really kind surprises and cash that they are being quite frugal with--we will have some kind of little summer party at some point, but we just cant right now, and yet I know that each of them ended up not feeling like they didnt get anything special, so thank you everyone for advice and thoughtfulness and just being steadfast, etc : )
This weekend we got a new cat! The Humane Society has waived their adoption fees for adult cats for a little while and we found a sweet black kitty--I have always wanted a little black cat, everytime I see him I just smile, he is so pretty and shiny. We read up extensively on "how to introduce a cat to another cat" but in truth, it took less than an hour for our dear Sonic to accept him and they are good pals already. I am really glad we found such a nice one--although I really love cats, I am strangely picky about what kinds I dont find very cute--well this little guy is just adorable--we dont know what to name him yet. Soon!
We still have a long, long way to go in our child training. We have some very very bad habits that have been going on for a while now, and I have allowed myself to be emotionally manipulated, to put it mildly, by screeching little boys, by ridiculous hijynx not only at mealtime but bedtime, cartime, schooltime.....yes.
We have a long way to go. But I do feel stronger and happy in my decision to get some medication. I dont know if I will be blogging or not for a bit. My heart is with my mom, and on putting my family back together through these strange times of economic hardship and change. Love and peace and clarity to everyone--