Friday, June 12, 2009

Humor. Who am I without humor? Humor is how I show people I am "ok", how I make people feel at ease, how folks end up coming to me at parks and places, who am I now without my humor?

Children. I have surronded myself with them, devoted my life to them, worked with them and for them and studied them and followed them. who am I now that my children are unrecognizably poorly behaved? who am I now that I am no longer fun or curious, and every morsel and item in my home and practically everywhere else just breaks my heart with this regretful nostalgia?

Creativity and the arts. Who am I now that there isnt one single moment in the day to do anything besdies weep and weep as I stare in horror at my 2 little boys and the things they do. When do I paint play guitar cut hair draw pictures write stories. Never is when.

Hope. Who am I now without my boundless optimism? All my ideas are coming up against obstacles and I cant get even an afternoon to make all these #$%#$% phone calls to community mental health and schols and daycares and food stamps and shut off notices.

Money. How does anyone live without money. We might have to live in our church bus. But how?

Death. My mom is dying and I am spending the day with her Sunday. I dont even know if she will remember it. Oh wait. That doesnt even make any sense. I find myself thinking about how people afford funeral clothes for 7 people. Shes all dehydrated and her hospice nurse told me she cant give her an IV of glucose cause her body doesnt want food or drink anymore. But my mom says she is thirsty and hungry and its all i can do to not lose my mind with empathy as she lays there on her couch and i think of the hospitals and their crazy lack of humanity towards me when i needed just a few comfort items and was denied them...and when i just could have used one person at my bedside to advocate for me but he had to be home with the other kids cause my big baby shower sign up list didnt really guarantee me anything besides false hope.

Im bringing my mom popsicles and good music.


Mama Nirvana said...

Can't stop by and just leave.

Wanted to offer my long-distance empathy and support, even though it isn't exactly what you need right now. I also have wild and crazy boys that just puzzle me at their behavior and utter destruction and noise. I get so sick of them sometimes I just can't to be around them for one more minute, but what choice do I have?

I hope that at least of some of your current troubles ease up a bit, so you can catch your breath. I don't know why life has to be so incredibly difficult sometimes.

I am so sorry to hear about your mother's health.


DoulaMomma said...

sending strength and hope for easier times

Rixa said...

I've been without internet the past week...thinking of you.

Alexandra said...

I'm so sorry to hear of all these troubles. You and your family are in my thoughts. Sending the warmest love an internet stranger can muster.